Opinion How does the wnter, preparing to face eternity — or the lack of it — get to work each day? It’s easy, according to Gene Fowler. “All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.” Tom Robbins says there are four things every wiiter should do to get in the writing mode. Spend half an hour a day involved in physical exercise and another half hour reading something unre- lated to your own work. Spend half an hour looking at the sky (where most. of the great philosophical ideas of human- kind have come from) and a further half hour thinking about sex. “You should always write with an erection,” he Says. “Even if you are a woman.” But whatever else you do, he says, write. Whether it’s for two hours a day or 20 hours. This writer prepares to face eternity by leafing through a book of jokes. Her favorite depicts a man hovering by a rack of LPs under a sign saying RECORDED NOVELISTS: “Listen to your favorite novels as heard by their authors: Long Silences, Occasional Typing, Answering the Phone, Coffee Breaks, Family Interruptions, More...” Her working day usually begins with “Long Silences.” The writer takes Tom Robbins’ advice and thinks about sex. Before long she has an uncontrollable urge to do anything but write. She is pushing away from her desk when she remembers Balzac who believed his writing prowess depended on the amount of sperm he retained in his body. An orgasm at the wrong moment, he claimed, could cost him a master- piece. Last night she had been accused of being “a typical writer’ when she’d jumped out of bed to find a pencil. If George Sand could write about it, scribbling away by candlelight afterwards, why couldn’t she? The: writer switches on her IBM Selectric and begins some “Occasional Typing.”’ The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog. She pauses. The hum of the electric typewriter is distracting. More Silences while she ponders: should she go back to writing a first draft in longhand? One successful writer she knows writes his nonfiction on rose-colored paper, his poetry on the backs of cigarette packages and his novels on erasable 20 Ib. bond. She finds yellow foolscap, a fountain pen and some blue-black ink. Kipling comes to mind, who silences and interruptions couldn’t begin writing without the blackest ink available. Blue-blacks, he said, were an ““abomin- ation to his Daemon.” The writer fills her pen and stares at the blank foolscap. She’s waiting for the drops of blood to Start forming on her forehead when she gets a reprieve. It’s called “Answering the Telephone.” “Hello,” she says, hopefully. But there’s no one on the line. She hadn’t been expecting anyone but now she’s curious. It could have been almost anyone, and now-she will never know. She thinks about it over the “Coffee Break.” Writers have died from caffeine poisoning. Balzac, for one, drank at least fifty cups of strong coffee a day. She wonders if it was the coffee, though, or the high sperm count that killed him. She ventures to the liquor cabinet, feeling the need to strengthen her coffee. A lot of writers use alcohol to stimulate their muse. Dylan Thomas’s last words were: “I’ve had eighteen whiskies — straight.” Half an hour later she returns to her typewriter. The coffee is giving her a headache, or perhaps it is the position in which she is slumped. Some wmiters she admires — Hemingway and Virginia Woolf — wrote standing up. She tries Standing but has to bend over to reach the keys of her typewriter and gets a backache in the process. She has to lie down. Other writers like Robert Louis Stevenson and Truman Capote did their best thinking lying down. She is on the verge of falling asleep when there’s a knock at her office door. Which brings her to “Family Interruptions.” Her husband needs her to bath the baby because it is his turn to go to work. She leaves her office and jumps in the tub to babysit. While she’s affixing the Fischer-Price Bath Toy she thinks of the French playwright Edmond Rostand sitting in his bathtub to write Cyrano de Bergerac so he wouldn’t be interrupted. Tomorrow is another working day, she reminds herself after sewing a button on her husband’s hockey pants, kissing the kids goodnight, and sitting down to read an article about the working habits of unmarried writers. She hasn’t exercised, or gazed at the heavens, but at least she has managed to read something unrelated to her own work. She hasn’t had a chance to write with an erection, either. Some days not everything is possible. Even if you’re a woman. TheReview Wednesday, April 10,1991 — AI5 Hearing sei on buses to improve access and on increased HandyDart Service will be provided. Comments from the public on accessible service are invited. Written comments can be made to Accessibility Options, B.C. Transit, 520 Gorge Road East, Victoria, B.C, V8W 2P3. A hearing on B.C. Transit ser- vices for disabled Peninsula resi-~ dents will be held next Wednesday, Apnil 17, starting at 7 p.m. in the Garth Homer Centre first floor Meeting hall, 813 Darwin Avenue, Victoria. Information on new bus designs VittaGe VALET 1 HOUR DRIVE-IN CLEANERS ALTERATION | ALTERATION | ALTERATION $1.00 orF | $2.00 orr | $3.00 orF Any Incoming Any. Incoming Any Incoming Dry Cleaning Dry Cleaning Dry Cleaning or Alterations Order of $15.00 or More 1) Coupon Per Customer Per Day Cannot Be Combined With Any Other Order Expires April 30th, 1991 or Alterations Order of $10.00 or More 1 Coupon Per Customer Per Day Cannot Be Combined With Any Other Order Expires April 30th, 1991 7A - 7120 West Saanich Rd. or Alterations Order of $5.00 or More 1 Coupon Per Customer Per Day. Cannot Be Combined With Any Other Order Expires April 30th, 1991 IS[ON|THE|SQUARE | VOLO DCO | BRENTWOOD BAY, B.C. 652-5255] Glen Meadows ladies win spring golf trophy The Spring Opening Trophy of the Glen Meadows golf club ladies’ division was won by the duo of Pat Leahy and Emma Silverberg. For Silverberg, 84, it has been a long time between tro- phies. She has twice been Glen DEBORAH GRAY Product knowledge is achieved through hard work and experience. Buying or sel- ling real estate requires skill and patience. With my sup- port and guidance I can make this an enjoyable experience for you. Call DEBORAH GRAY NRS PENINSULA PROP. 652-5171 If it's Sports 656-1151 Meadows club champion, and prior to moving to Sidney was many times club champ‘on at Red Deer Golf Club. Second place went to Doreen Smith and Marguerite Kendall, third was won by Joy Donald and Inez Alley, and fourth by Gayle Green and Grace Ander- son. 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