Opinion

TheReview Wednesday, February 6, 1991 — A18

To a certain extent all of us are a bit odd. As
Edith Sitwell said, “even ordinariness, carried to
a high degree of perfection, becomes eccentric-
ily.”

“Now, that’s different,” says the CTV producer
who has phoned to find out if I’m odd enough to
appear on his upcoming show featuring eccen-
trics. His line-up so far includes a Newfoundlan-

nightshirt, and a yogi from Manitoba who cats
foreign cars. He needs someone from the extreme
west “to round things out.” He’s heard about me.

Any eccentricity on my part would be a
supreme case of ordinariness, I say, but this
doesn’t deter him. “Aside from being ordinary,
what clse would make people consider you
eccentric?”

“There’s nothing but normalcy in my life,” I
insist. My daughter’s mouth drops open. I draw
my hand across my throat; she gets the message
and buttons her lip.

“T’ve got a husband and two kids. I get up at 7
a.m., drop the kids at school, write, take a walk,
cook dinner, fall asleep, get up and do it all over
again — no addictions, no scandals, a few fricnds
for pot-luck on weekends.”

“That's so normal it’s unusual,” says the
producer. “Next you'll be telling me you’re
happily married, too! The last me I saw you on
the news, I believe you were saying “I do” ina
maximum security penitentiary.”

I’ve never liked the telephone much. I wrap the
cord around my neck in one gesture, pulling it
tight — a signal for my husband to invent an
emergency. This time he scribbles Gore Vidal’s
maxim on a scrap of paper: “Never miss a chance
to have sex cr appear on television.”

But I don’t like television much. Compared to
his other two guests, I try to persuade the
producer, nothing I can do would make the
slightest visual impact.

“Didn’t you pose nude, once, for a literary
magazine? Of course we wouldn’t ask you to
appear naked on televisicn, but maybe we could
get you reciting poetry in a body-stocking?

Once is eccentric, I tell him. Twice would be
madness.

)

One case of ordinariness

der who can cure hiccups by setting fire to his”

~ That reminds me ... another question. There
was that interview on the radio. Something about
insanity ... I mean, when you were a lot younger?

The line between eccentricity and madness has
always been blurred, I answer, skirting the ques-
tion. On one hand J had an “eccentric” uncle
who left instructions in his will to be buried head
downwards, because “the world has turned topsy-
turvy, and he wanted to be right at last.” Then
there was my namesake, Susannah, who wrote
poetry and hung her walls with pictures of the
furniture she couldn’t afford to buy, and was
considered mad.

“When the rich are peculiar it’s called eccen-
iricily, but if you’re poor and you act a bit strange
you're promptly classed as a loonie,” I tell him.

“I hear you,” says the producer, and congratu-
lates me for being so honest. He wants to give us
both time to think. He’ll call in the manana.

“You're weird, Mum,” says my daughter as I
unplug the telephone. “If you actually saw
yourself on television you’d see how weird you
are.”

By noon the next day, the producer hasn’t
called. I prepare a bath, wondering if I came
across as too ordinary on the phone. Just because
I simply hold my breath when I get hiccups, or
never developed a craving for foreign cars, it
doesn’t mean I don’t have hidden eccentricities.

By the time I remember to plug the phone back
in, and the producer gets through, I’m in the
middle of an identity crisis.

“I exaggerated,” I say, “I’m really not ordi-
nary.” I’m in the midst of telling him how I can
scratch the back of my neck with my right toc
while standing on my head, when he cuts mc off.

“Listen. You don’t have to be creative. Just be
yourself.” He proposes to give me a minute and a
half of prime time to discuss what’s most
different about me: my ordinariness.

After it’s settled, I ask my husband for his help
once more. I lic soaking in my bath of pickle juice
(I read somewhere this would preserve my body
after I die) and I ask him to list all the ordinary
things I do each day.

My husband just rolls his eyes and wrings
another pickle.

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Entitled HomeBase, the hotline
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Keating Ridge Group spokesman

what they are looking for, avers
said.

TOWN OF SIDNEY
SNOW CLEARING

In the event of snowfall property owners are advised thal the _
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as possible. In addition snow and ice are cleared from the
sidewalks at intersections and bus stops.

The co-operation of all property owners in this matter is
greatly appreciated.

D.L.Reynolds, Superiniendent

Works and Services,

Town of Sidney.

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