TheReview : ee ae Wednesday, January 30,1991 — A14 — lL SSCS A writer of negotiable virtue Ham “There is no such thing as inner peace,” said Fran Lebowitz. “There is only nervousness and death.” For many writers, there is only nervousness and deadlines. Karl Marx was already 18 months late with Das Kapital when he received a letter from his publisher saying that if they did not receive his manuscript immediately, they would be obliged to commission another author to do the work. ~ Fortunately, my editor is more understanding. When I phoned to complain that I was suffering from columnist’s burnout, that it was immoral, the amount of money I was earning, and how I was finding it harder and harder each week to make my deadline, she said, “Quit, why don’t you? Do something different.” Starving would be different, but then what? With a lifetime of writing behind me, I’m unqualified to do anything else. Besides, as Thoreau warns, “Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes,” which is another reason I’ve never changed careers. Writers don’t need to dress respectably. My husband’s advice is to do what I love best. Now that writing has lost its appeal, that leaves reading, and sex. Bearing in mind those enterpris- ing housewives you often read about in the court parade who, in order to make a little extra pocket money (in one case $6,000 a week), become hookers out of their own homes, I consider renovating my office. A writer, after all, must be open to new experiences; as Ben Jonson said, “Who casts a living line, must sweat.” My desk, on which piles of manuscripts lie waiting to be assessed, could be converted into a massage table; I’d find a circular bed to replace my vertical-file cabinet. I’d be able to hide my calendar, with deadlines circled in black, behind a smoked-glass mirror, and screw a red lightbulb in the swivel lamp attached to one of my bookcases. The bookcases themselves, I got to thinking, might spoil the ambience. But a quick trip to the library to check out The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution pro- vided the solution. While there may be a great number of figurative literary brothels, I read, the only actual library brothel in existence is in a St. Louis, Missouri massage parlor. In the Reading Room a customer pays twenty dollars for twenty minutes with a nude hostess who does nothing but read erotic literature to him. I had my hook. My bookshelves could stay, and most of my books, also. I certainly wouldn’t have to go clothes shopping, and — I was already a good reader — wouldn’t need to acquire any new skills. By working at home I’d be able to avoid some of the pits my Sisters on the streetcorners fall into. One “lady of negotiable virtue” was actually prosecuted for biting a customer. “I was new to the job at the time,” she said, “and I wasn’t very good at it yet.” The concept of a library brothel might soften the blow, too, when my husband found out I was supplementing the family income with truly immoral earnings. It seemed a solution to all our problems — until Tread further. “The customer may supply his own reading material if he desires, even things he has written himself.” There was the hitch. One reason I was having trouble making my deadlines was that ever since Id agreed to read submissions to publishers (one major Toronto house receives upwards of 500 unsolicited manuscripts a week) and to write appraisals, I’d been inundated with other people’s material. : : It’s one thing, though, to advise a hopeful writer, anonymously, not to give up the practise of law. But to sit, nude, across from him, reading his own erotic renderings (“His wiry body oozed with goose-bumpy joy. Sex is like swallowing a shard of glass — the pain moves through you constantly, a reminder that you are not empty’) for a loonie a minute, I’d have to be crazy. I’m not that tired of column writing. Still, $6,000 a week would come in handy, and I haven’t completely scrapped the idea of moving in that bed. Then if my editor called back wondering where next week’s column is, I’d be in a Suitable position to use one of Dorothy Parker’s bon mots. Parker was also in bed when her editor at The New Yorker called pressuring her for belated copy. “To £ versa.” busy,” Parker replied, “and vice TO EMPLOYERS & EMPLOYEES. 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Rosenblati poeiry reading The Sidney library will be the site of a poetry reading by Canadi- an author Joe Rosenblatt, Wednes- day, Feb. 6, starting at 7:30 p.m. Admission is free and everyone is welcome to attend the reading, co-sponsored by Writers in Librar- ies, a B.C. government program, and Peninsula author Susan Mus- grave librarian Barbara Chouinard said. Rosenblatt published his first : C work in 1967 with the Enchanted Forest and since has had over 30 books published. The Shawnigan Lake resident was. writer-in-residence at the University of Rome and the Univ- ersity of Bologna for six weeks. Also, he has held similar posts in Ontario, Saskatchewan and the University of Victoria. Please enquire about a free estimate of legal costs. [J Real estate. [.] Family law, divorce and separation. [_] Wills and estate matters. [_] Impaired driving. [-] Personal injury and insurance claims. 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