Opinion

TheReview Wednesday, December 12, 1990 — A21

‘Tis the season

My daughter was hanging little wooden chil-
dren by their necks from the tree. “Christmas is
coming, the goose is getting fat, please put a
penny in an old man’s hat,” she chanted, until I
felt like strangling her. I bolted a fire extinguisher
to the wall and suggested she put on a Christmas
album.

Before I could say “The Mormon Tabernacle
Choir” she had Michael Jackson caroling
“Smooth Criminal”, which reminded me my
husband was being awfully quiet.

I found him decking our entrance hall with
sprigs of holly. I told him the berries were going to
drop off and get trodden into our new wool carpet,
if the baby didn’t choke on them first. She’d
already made salad out of the poinsettia.

In the kitchen, by the wood stove, I sat down
and almost wept. I could not longer ignore the
Christmas baking list my daughter had made for
me. She was insisting we leave shortbread for
Santa “like normal people do”; last year, she’d
pointed out, he’d left a bootprint in my Middle
Eastern Eggplant Dip.

My husband must have heard me stoking the
fire with recipe books because he climbed off his
ladder and fixed me a buttered rum. He also gave
me a “small pre-Christmas present.”

~ You shouldn’t have!” I was about to cry. But
when I saw the paper bag I knew it couldn’t be
the 25-volume Oxford English Dictionary at
$2,500 I'd been hoping for I bit my tongue and
peeled the price tag off The Portable Curmud-
geon.

It didn’t take me long to figure out why my
husband had chosen the book. “Curmudgeons are
mockers and debunkers,” the authors says in his
introduction. Many of them had unhappy child-
hoods and grew into neurotic, reclusive, self-
centered adults. Besides being inexpensive, the
book was dedicated to “Nobody.”

“Thanks for thinking of me,” I said, opening
the door for my husband, who was dragging the
ladder after him. He disappeared off the porch
with a string of colored lights in his teeth. I wasn’t
about to watch him fall and break his neck scaling
the chimney so I went back inside, grinding a few
holly berries into the carpet so I could say “I told
you so.”

I set The Portable Curmudgeon aside on a heap

of greeting cards that had been arriving since
Thanksgiving. I hadn’t mailed my cards, with
“Seasonally Adjusted Greetings” on them yet,
nor had I posted my daughter’s letter to Santa. I
had to steam it open and find out how much
Christmas was going to set me back this year.

And I had real work to do. Christmas might be
coming, the goose might be getting fat, but if I
didn’t finish my column my editor wouldn’t put a
Loonie in my hat. I didn’t have time to start
enjoying myself simply because the calendar told
me there were five shopping days left until
Christmas.

Besides, in my own neurotic, reclusive, self-
centered way I was happy. And, as Quentin Crisp
says, happy people do not need festivity.

The cure for Christmas, he advises, is to ignore
it. So that evening, while my husband sat down to
play SILLY SAFARI with my daughter — a game
sent to me by its inventors after they read my
column on how I found board games about as
entertaining as those blow-in subscription forms
that fall out of magazines — I put the baby to
sleep and went to my office to work.

But with an army of unwrapped Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles staring up at me from the
floor, all I could do was snarl at the season’s
excesses, thrust upon us by shopkeepers and the
press.

“On its own merits Christmas would wither
and shrivel in the fiery breath of universal
hatred,” George Bernard Shaw said. In my books,
even Shaw could get sentimental at Christmas.

I was sitting down to wrap the mutants when I
remembered my daughter’s letter. ‘Dear Santa,”
it began. “I don’t waunt any prasints this year. I
waunt you to give my mum some nice mony so
she dosi’nt have to werk. I waunt her to play
games with me instaed. PS. I would like some
tenage moutint ninga tertles.”

When I’d finished my column I went back
inside. My husband had cleaned half the berry
stains off the carpet and my daughter had plugged
in the Christmas tree lights. I sniffed the air.
Nothing was burning.

They were starting another game of SILLY
SAFARI. I pushed the remains of the poinsettia
aside and sat down to read the rules. Anything to
avoid making shortbread.

HO 7 HO * HO a HO

Arts & Craft Show
December 15 & 16th
10 am to 5 pm
Pro Patria Legion
410 Gorge Rd. E. Victoria
Admission $1.00

Weavers, painters, Christmas gadgets,
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10am - 2 pm
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Registration date for new
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in January.

Drug charges
from patrols

A 27-year-old Victoria man was
charged with impaired driving and
his passenger, a 21-year-old Cen-
tral Saanich man, was charged
with possession of a narcotic after
the truck they were riding in was
stopped by police at East Saanich
Road and Mt. Newton Crossroad
about 2 a.m. Nov. 27.

Police received a report of a
# _ possible impaired driver and

stopped an older-model Dodge
truck that matched a description.

A search of the vehicle pro-
duced over two grams of cannabis
resin, or hashish, police said.

In an earlier incident, an 18-
year-old Victoria man was charged
with possession of a narcotic after
the vehicle he was driving was
stopped for speeding, about 11:15
p.m. Nov. 25.

A search of the older-model
Camaro the man was driving pro-
duced quantities of alcohol and a
small amount of cannabis, police
said.

The driver was given a 24-hour
driving suspension and was
charged with possession of a nar-
colic substance, police said.

Get off bus

A 14-year-old Central Saanich
youth was escorted home by police
after he apparently attempted to
avoid paying bus fare, then threw a
rock at the bus driver after being
evicted from the bus.

geology are encouraged to apply)

Sidney, B.C.
V8L 4C1

DISTRICT OF NORTH SAANICH
NOTICE

The District of North Saanich is accepting applications from persons
interested in serving on the following advisory commissions

ENVIRONMENTAL ADVISORY
COMMISSION

Six two-year positions (Individuals with backgrounds
in marine and freshwater biology, forestry, microbiology, hydrology and

ADVISORY PLANNING COMMISSION

Four two-year positions

PARKS COMMISSION

Two two-year positions

Interested persons should forward their names, together with a resume
indicating their area of interest or expertise to:

Mrs. Joan E. Schill

Municipal Clerk

District of North Saanich

1620 Mills Road,

P.O. Box 2639

by Friday, December 21, 1990.

Central Saanich police said the
youth became angry after the bus
driver evicted him from the bus,
stopped in the 7800-block East
Saanich Road, about 12:20 p.m.
Wednesday.

After throwing the rock, the bus
driver detained the youth and cal-
led police.

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