age ovember /, iS Wee: HUMOR Privy as aretreat an endangered species Fora man’s house is his castle, et domus sua cuique tutissimum refugium. n English jurist by the name of Sir Ed- ward Coke wrote t, away back in Shakespeare's time. A man’s home is his castle. It is the very foundation of British common law. It means that, while our governments may lie to us, while they may cheat us and tax us and spend our money foolishly and send our children off to fight their stupid wars, our governments cannot, by God, jerk us around in our own living rooms. Because a man’s home is his castle. —— fi. 10th ANNUAL CHRISTMAS 1990 CRAFT FAIR LARGEST CRAFT FAIR ON VANCOUVER ISLAND MOVES OUT OF CRYSTAL GARDEN ORIGINATED BY BENTE REHM IN 1981 And if the domestic castle is sacred ground, is there a cham- ber within that’s holier than that one tiny room — perhaps the last place in the fortress where a man or a woman can be as- sured of afew minutes’ privacy? They don’t call it the Throne Room for nothing, you know. I love my bathroom for just that reason. It’s my refuge. The one place in the house where, for a short while at least, I can legitimately be excused from taking phone calls, feeding the dog or pretending I have a clue about my kid’s algebra assign- ment. “Twas ever thus. I don’t have actual data, but I’m reasonably certain that folks down through the ages have always retired to = -~—__ >= 200 ARTISANS AND DEMOS e DOUGH ART e DOLLS « WREATHS ¢ STAINED GLASS ° LEATHER e CLAY MODELLING e CARVING e PAINTING ¢ PORTRAITURE e JEWELLERY © FASHIONS ¢ XMAS ORNAMENTS, DECOCATIONS AND PAPER NOVEMBER 15 - 18 RACQUET CLUB 3964 GORDON HEAD RD NEAR UVIC WATCH FOR NEXT WEEK’S CRAFT FAIR AD TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR A $200. SHOPPING SPREE! CREATIVE CRAFT FAIRS™ INQUIRIES TERRI HEIT: 658-2901 their respective privies when the urge for solitude came upon them. Which makes me wonder where the next generation is going to go for a little peace and quiet. As a retreat, the bathroom is an endangered species. My newspaper tells me that the Trendy Folk down in California are retrofitting their bathrooms with — are you ready for this? — home computers, fax machines and _ cordless telephones. David Shapiro is a chap in Van Nuys, Calif., who makes a living remodeling other people’s bathrooms. “And a very good living it is. Shapiro says that some of his clients are spending upwards of $100,000 to outfit their water closets as “social areas.” If you're thinking that it might be a little cramped wedging a Xerox machine in between the toilet and the bathroom weigh scales, ’'m with you. But Califor- nians (the ones with money at least) think bigger than you and I do. Any resemblance between their bathrooms and the ones you and I hang out in is utterly coincidental. According to David Shapiro, his customers are punching out the walls and raising the roof- beams in their washrooms so _ that thenew “spaces” can accom- modate easy chairs, sofas — even gymnasium equipment. The idea, says Shapiro, is to make the bathroom more acces- sible so that “kids can come in and talk while their parents are getting ready for work or doing their exercise routines.” Is it just me or is this the most grotesque idea to come down the California Turnpike since Roseanne Barr? I don’t know about you, but I LAMP & LIGHTING | oto! PRESENTS OUR A \ Contr 3205 Quadra (at Tolmie St, NNUAL FALL SALE BRIGHT IDEAS FOR YOUR HOME! Open 9 a.m.:5:30 p.m. Mon.-Thurs. Fri. 9 a.m.:9 p.m, Sat. 9 a.m.:5 p.m. 383-3621 Free Parking By ARTHUR BLACK don’t wish to talk to my kids when I’m “getting ready for. work” in my bathroom. We can debate the meaning of existence over the Wheatabix in the kitchen. I'll be delighted to Simpson family drawn from life at writer’s house <« ts just uncanny. Teenagers are wear- ing T-shirts with a likeness of our kid on the front. Everybody calls my husband by name. “Hi Homer, let’s bowl a few.” TV has caught us in the act. There’s a half hour cartoon on the Myles’ called The Simpsons. Critics say that The Simpsons’ creator, Matt Groening has a warped mind. Although that may be true, he draws his characters from real life at our house. Surely there aren't any other families where “Don’t have a cow, man” is considered good advice. Bart is to blame. His spikey hair and beady eyes have caught the nation’s fancy. If they’d caught chicken pox, they’d be better off. When he’s on his skateboard, he’s a road hazard. When he’s on foot, he’s a tease, a squealer and a small-time wheeler dealer. He’s got a face only a mother could love, but I can’t kiss it in public without him making lit- tle choking noises. The television Simpsons have three children, although we have only two. I suspect the wily Groening drew that pacifier-sucking baby just so he could claim it wasn’t based on our lives and thereby avoid handle any teenage queries in the living room, the basement or even the attic. But when it comes to the bathroom, one at a time, please. As for the idea of turning my bathroom into a work statio with fax machines, cordless 2 phones and a color-coordinated = Tandy laptop, I recall that Hugh Hefner, the Playboy Poohbah, had a sign over the door of his e Chicago pad that read: “IF YOU DONT SWING, DON’T RING.” Im thinking of installing a brass plaque over my bathroom | door. It willread: IF YOU RING,. (OR BUZZ OR HUMOR BOOT™ OR CLICK OR MAKE COPIES), STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY BATHROOM!” aXe | j + ree a lawsuit. The child is a com- posite of ours at that age. I can make the charge stick by showing home movies. Our teen is obviously his in- spiration for the weird,@ saxophone-playing sister. Favorite expression “N - O spells NO.” Goal in life: to have a telephone of her own. Hob- Eife-s-Like-Thet By JOAN MYLES bies: collecting flamingos and y guys. : Anyone who knows me would recognize the Simpson mother, Marj. Big choker necklaces are practically my trademark. My conversation is so much like the script that I can lip syne. | “Who ate the last cookie? Bart, ~ don’t tease your sister. Homer, talk to these children.” I didn’t like our family’s secrets being shown on TV, It’s bad enough that we don’t have curtains on the living room windows. FABRICS ON SALE e European Woollens ¢ Quilted Cottons ¢ Wool Shawls Four Seasons Fabrics 650 View St.