The walls of my house are lined with books. When visitors ask “Have you read all these?” I point out the cracked spines, the tatty dust-jackets, the stains and marginalia. The recent toothmarks, though, aren’t mine. Nor am I responsible for the shreds of Esquire’s “Summer Reading Bash Issue” all over the living room, or the chewed up Utne Reader’s and spit out Brick’s. Every one of Alan Fotheringham’s pictures in Maclean’s has been defaced with a Crayola. My husband, who rose early with the baby, looks up from his newspaper. “It says here a recycling depot is making a deal with funeral homes to use shredded magazines for coffin linings,” he tells me, when I toss him a couple of chewed Utne’s. . ‘That the walls of my coffin could be lined with shredded Fotheringham’s seems fitting. I leave the baby sampling back issues of Gourmet in the kitchen and follow chunks of The Omnipotent Child all the way to my office. She’s been busy in here, also, and has done her best to destroy an Irish columnist, The Best of Myles. JI assure myself this book-mauling phase will pass, as I start taping Myles back together again. Only one column, headed “Buchandling” has survived unchewed: “Recently I visited the house of a newly-married acquaintance — a man of great wealth and vulgarity, * it begins. “When he had set about buying bedsteads, tables, and chairs, it occurred to him to buy also a library.” Myles na Gopaleen did not know whether this man could read or not, but “some savage faculty of observation told him that most respectable and estimable people usually had a lot of books in their houses” so he bought several bookcases and paid someone to fill them. (“Get plenty of snappy red and green books with lots of gilt lettering.’’) When Myles next visited the house he noticed that none of the books had ever been opened. ““ “When I am settled down properly, said his friend, ‘Ill have to catch up on my reading’.” Myles has an idea: why should a wealthy person like this be put to the trouble of pretending to read at all? If he wants to be suspected of reading books, why couldn’t a professional book-handler go in and suitably maul his library for so-much per shelf? Book bashing vocation Such a person, if properly trained, could make a fortune. My baby doesn’t need training. She can alter a book in so few seconds that anybody looking at it would conclude its owner has lived, dined and slept with it for months. I read on. Myles suggests four categories in which books could be mauled, starting with “Popular Handling”, where each volume would be well and truly fondled, with four pages dog-eared and a tram ticket inserted in each as a forgotten book-mark. In “Premier Handling” each volume would be thoroughly mauled, eight pages dog-eared, and a leaflet in French on the works of Victor Hugo left to mark a place. For the very wealthy non-brow who wants to appear high-brow, there is “De-Luxe Handling.” Each volume will be savagely mauled, the spines of the trade paperbacks damaged so as to give the impression in their owner carries them around in his pocket, a passage in every volume underlined in red ink, and an old theatre pro- gramme left as a forgotten book-mark. Not less than 30 volumes will be treated with old coffee or whiskey stains and many will be inscribed with forged signatures of the authors. And finally, Handling Superb, or “Le Traite- ment Superbe”’ “the dearest of them all, though far cheaper than dirt when you consider the amount of prestige you will gain in the eyes of your friends.” This category includes all features of the others, and more! An appropriate eye-catching phrase, such as “How true, how true!” “Nonsense!” or “Yes, but cf. Homer, Od, iii,151” will be scrawled in the margins and not less than six volumes will be inscribed with forged messages of affection and gratitude from the author of each work, e.g. ‘From your devoted friend and follower, K. Marx.’ I accent the last category with a fluorescent Quick Reference Marker. I can picture my daughter doing just what she does best — bending, bashing, chewing and gnawing, then, Crayola in fist, scribbling, “Quite, but Boussuet in his Discours sur |”historie Universelle has already established the same and given much more forceful explanations,” in the margin of some capitalist’s Das Kapital. She’ll make a killing. TheReview Wednesday, September 26, 1990 — A12 SAY YOU SAW IT IN THE REVIEW TOWN HALL MEETING SEPTEMBER 27, 1990 — 7:30 p.m. Talk by THE HONOURABLE MEL COUVELIER ~ MLA Saanich & the Islands followed by Questions & Answer Period COME ONE, COME ALL AND BRING A FRIEND > Ss Refreshments will be served GREENGLADE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL - 2151 Lannon Way, Sidney off Weiler Ave. or Northbrook, and between the Pat Bay Hwy. & Canora Rd. Continued from ACPace A10 phrase ‘out of sight, out of mind’ seems appropriate here. I actually felt sad for the poor souls who were out on the Pat Bay highway the other weekend, issu- ing their protest to the highway upgrade, and attempting to get the support of that holiday’s highway travelers. I am sure that more than one of them realized their absurd situa- tion a bit too late, when it became apparent that the vast majority of vehicles were ferry travelers going to/from Victoria, each of whom certainly detest having to ‘run the gauntlet’ when driving down the Pat Bay. Continued on Page A20 CURLERS Curling starts the first week of October. There are still a few slots availa- ble. Bring your- self , a couple or a team and join in the fun! Call now for in- formation. Glen Meadows Golf & Country 656-3136 DISTRICT OF NORTH SAANICH - TAX SALE Pursuant to Section 459 of the Municipal Act, the District of North Saanich is required to publish the legal description and street address, if any, of properties subject to Tax Sale. The 1990 Tax Sale will be held in the Council Chambers of the Municipal Hall, 1620 Mills Rd., at 10:00 a.m. on Monday October ist, 1990. The following properties will be included in the Sale unless: delinquent taxes, plus interest, are sooner paid. 630 Woodcreek Drive Lot 4, Sec 22, 23 & 24, Range 2 & 3W, Plan SP 768 Baxendale Road Lot 8, Block 2; Section 20; Range 2W, Plan1538 Cypress Road Lot 14, Block 7; Section 21, Range 1W, Plan 1787 Cypress Road Lot 15, Block 7, Section 21, Range iW, Plan 1787 Ardmore Drive Lot 5, Block 17, Section 6, Range 2 & 3W, Plan1936 1427 McTavish Road Parcel A of Lot 3, Section 5, Range 1E, Plan 2347 8995 East Saanich Road Parcel 1-of Lot B, Section 4, Range 2 & 3E, Plan 2471 Swartz Bay Road Lot 7, Exc that partying to the SE of Plan 1187, RW Section 19, Range 2E, Plan 4626 PROPERTIES SOLD AT TAX SALE ARE SUBJECT TO THE PROPERTY PURCHASE TAX. R.M. GILLIS Treasurer Sidney Seafood House e STEAKS - PASTA - PIZZA e RIBS - FRESH SEAFOOD Thanksgiving DINNER & DANCE FRIDAY, OCTOBER 5th, 1990 Buffet Style ON A 2 ee JERMACK FIRST CHOICE SHAMPOO & CONDITIONER VITAMIN C 500 mg Reg. NOW 350s $944 6” COLGATE TOOTHPASTE 100 ml and 50 ml Bonus NEOCITRAN Regular 20's NOW 6° MYLANTA Regular Antacid NOW Reg. $8.79 Reg. gg 4° 656-7666 9819 5th Street, Sidney