| E ” B This Week September 26, 1990. Page M7 It’s clam city on topic of death Its not that ['m afraid to die. I just dont want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen. h, yes. Death. The final taboo. Go into a bar, slip on 0 a bar stool, city. And a sidelong We-Don’t- Allow-Wierdos-In-Here glare from the suddenly chilly bar- tender. We're a civilization of in- veterate gabbers — except when the subject is death. Which is a pity, consideringit’s an appointment we all have to Numero Uno in the Roman Em- pire. Uh-uh. Claudius choked on a chicken feather — a chicken feather that, ironically, his per- sonal physician had thrust down the Emperor’s throat to induce vomiting. (Claudius’ wife, it seems, had been slipping her hubby poisoned mushrooms in snowstorm in his carriage one day, Sir Francis has a brainwave that stuffing dead bodies with snow might slow down decay. He stopped his carriage, got out and purchased a chicken, killed it on the spot and stuffed it with snow. Alas, Sir Francis never got to write up the experiment. He double chins. May’s pendulous jowls got to be such a logistical problem that he took to tying them up with bandannas. While shoveling down dinner one day, Mister May began to hiccup. By the time bystanders got his throat kerchiefs untied, he’d choked to death. : 3 keep. an attempt to become sole cus- caught a chill from his chicken- strike up a conversation Of course,someexitsaremore todian of the family jewels.) . buying, spree which turned into with thepersonnexttoyou spectacular than others. Joanof Indeed, in the game of death, a fatal bout of pneumonia. A new and chances are pretty g@ed that before you’re IE i Blaele By ARTHUR BLACK Arc went out, quite literally, ina blaze of glory, incinerated by the Church as a heretic. Zeuxis the Greek, on the other hand, un- derwent a more ignominious finale. Zeuxis, a painter who lived around 500 BC, daubed a satirical portrait of an old woman that made him laugh so hard he blew ablood vessel in his head and died on the spot. Death can be, as someone once said, like a pie in the face from God. Take the Case of Allan Pinkerton. You would think the founder of the world-famous Pinkerton’s detective agency would go out in a hail of gunfire Irony often lays it on thick and heavy. I don’t now if curiosity killed the cat, but it certainly didn’t do Sir Francis Bacon any Riding through a favors. The award for Most Grotesque Death goes to Thomas May, a 17th century English historian. Mister May was fat. Very fat. So fat he had double chins on his or at the very least on silken wn sheets attended by the best and Bro a physicians money could rent. Reg. 748. halfway through your first Not so. Mister P. stumbled one Sasparilla, you'll hear more about his or her political beliefs, religious convictions and sexual orientation than you ever wanted to know. But if you ask the stranger about death? Zipper lips. Clam WIN AN morning while taking his morn- ing constitutional, biting his tongue. The wound turned gangrenous and Mister Pinker- _ ton died. Or. consider Claudius I. One would expect such and august personage to expire with all the pomp and majesty befitting a Mon. - Fri. 8 am - Spin Sat. 8:30 am - 4:30 pm 2804 Rock Bay Ave. 384-0064 and Grey. Reg. $1198.” Model: KOLN ELEGANT LEATHER CHAIR WITH OTTOMAN Available in Cream, Grey, Black "399? Model: CASTLE DELUXE LEATHER CHAIR AND OTTOMAN Features swivel wood base. Available in Black, Brown, Cream spirit of giving 7595.- UNDERCOATING 50% OFF GENUINE ZIEBART FORMULA “Q” SOUND DEADNER PAINT PROTECTION | 20% OFF MMe OFF LIFETIME WARRANTY- MOST VEHICLES *KIT FORM * OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK * SUN 12-4 * AMPLE PRER. PARKING "T | ScanDesicnsl aad Desiens | BLANSHARD fe éDonald's 5 i iat