TOPE ED Pre ONAN, fh Ft me OA ASE Omen df Pn Prt ed, ) AMS PPPOE LILY Ae DHA & Pode, fp “Page M2 August 29,1990. ‘This Week MR. ONE HOUR DRY CLEANERS “MR. PLEAT" Professional Drapery Cleaners Seniors 20% off REGULAR PRICES EVERYDAY 2975 NEW oe Cadboro 218 1918 Colwood Esquimalt Bay Rd. Shelbourne CookSt. Corners 383-9433 595-3034 477-5313 388-5058 478-5545 GlenOa FORD VICTORIA DOUGLAS at MARKET 384-1144 COLWOOD 474-1144 ETIQUETTE The decline of dinner parties hat a shame it is that nobody gives dinner parties anymore, many people are given to saying. Miss Man- ners always clucks sym- pathetically. (Clucking is a lost art, which saves the work of saying, “Oh, how true, how true.” Remind Miss Manners to demonstrate it for you some time.) But the truth is that some people do still give dinner par- ties, and the ones who are complaining probably went to them, had a wonderful time, and then failed to reciprocate. What they really mean is that they don’t give dinner parties any more, and that they are helping discourage those who 0 Goodness knows there are enough reasons to be dis- couraged, even before the hosts check their answering machines in vain for return invitations. More and more of them are reporting that from their first overtures, the guests act as if they would be doing the hosts a favor by at- tending. First, they ignore the invita- tion. When the hosts get panicky and call up to say, “We hope we can expect you to din- mer next Saturday,” a manouevre that used to strike shame into the most hardened heart and lead the delin- quents into flustered stories about lost mail and family emergencies, people now con- tinue to hedge. “We'll try to make it,” they say, insinuating that they are subject to last-minute royal commands, or mood swings that preclude making any ad- Phone for information and brochures. LEARN TO DRIVE. ONE-ON-ONE. Let a professional teach you to drive. 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We teach you to drive and Survive. Register now. Classes are filling up. NEXT COURSE STARTs: vance dinner plans except month-ahead reservations in trendy and supercilious res- taurants. Then they try to renegotiate the terms of the invitation. The married people want to come without their spouses, and the single people want to come with them (that is, their sub-spouses, other people’s spouses, their children or their dogs). They demand to know who the other guests are. They order their own menus. They stack engage- ments on the same night so that they don’t fully attend any one of the events. They may or may now show up, as likely as not late and dressed for some other activity. To round it all off, they show no gratitude. Etiquette demands that those who have been entertained at dinner ex- press their thanks not only at the door but again in a letter because they are exclusively By JUDITH MARTIN or telephone call. But then eti- quette doesn’t always get’ what she demands. Etiquette also demands that people who have been enter- tained reciprocate in kind, but — Miss Manners has always been most reasonable about how this is done. She dis- courages friends from count- ing exactly how many times each entertained the other, so long as there is some rough form of taking turns. Nor does she require that the return in- vitations be as elaborate as the original ones — each ac- cording to his own style and ability is the rule in social life. Nevertheless, there is resis- tance. Those who accept hospitality but do not dispense it use one of these arguments: They have no time. They don’t have the equip- ment — the setting, spoons, whatever. They haven't enough money. They are too young to be ex- pected to entertain people who have been at it for years. They are too old to be ex- pected to entertain people who ought to take up the burden. They are single and cannot manage it alone. They are married and haven’t enough time with their spouses. They have children and are therefore exclusively con- cerned with their needs. They don’t have children, and other people who do won't want to socialize with them taken up by the children; be- sides, these children make un- & pleasant guests. é As you can figure, there aren't too many people left. YS Miss Manners would like to point out that some people, even those who could claim one of these categories, do nevertheless entertain — at least until they get bitter about not being invited back. Miss Manners’ interest in keeping the custom of home entertainment alive is not just sentiment. She believes home,,! entertaining to be a cornerstone of civilization, the cultivation of disinterested friendship being one of the joys and comforts of life. Money, time, age and family life are not valid excuses for not doing one’s share. Break- fasts and teas, with little work and less cost, count as returns. There is no perfect stage of life that makes entertaining ef- fortless, and waiting for one would consume a (friendleg} lifetime. But children and adults can be entertained separately but simultaneous- ly. And people who entertaim flawlessly nevertheless ap- preciate being invited to leave their perfect settings now and then. DEAR MISS MANNERS — Returning to my office early one afternoon, I was delayed by a funeral procession. I fre- quently study such proces- sions for clues about the deceased. This seemed to be for some- one who was not very old. The mourners were in their 302” and 40s, and the cars were upscale. To my dismay, I notice that several mourners were using their car phones. It has always seemed to me odd but unavoidable to juxtapose an ancient ritual on the & everyday bustle of traffic, but the phenomenon of squeezing § in a few business calls be- tween the church and the cemetery truly offended my — sensibilities. Am I being too & stuffy? GENTLE READER — §& Miss Manners would let sit & the word “nosy,” were she not afraid of the image of the — stuffed nosy. : It is all very well for you to —& pass the time by speculating § on the funerals of strangers, & but Miss Manners will not join & you in the sport of presuming & evil of the mourners. How do you know those were business [& calls? es It is her belief that one § mourner was calling home to alert someone there how. many people would be coming back, another was saying, § “Keep an eye on Aunt Emily, who seemed in bad shape aq the service, and you know she # has a weak heart,” and so on.