6 I never really thought it would ever happen to me. Last week I awoke from the usual two-hour, mid-moming nap at my desk to find a brown, unmarked envelope beside the dregs in a cold cup of coffee which we serious news persons drink to Stay alert. (The previous sentence is an example of sloppy writing which will remain uncorrected because it’s important to move right along with the purpose of this piece. In fact, the envelope was beside the cup and not inside the cup beside the dregs. You probably realized that.) Inside the envelope were a number of sheets. They were stamped “Top Secret” and contained a lengthy list of guidelines for students aspiring to a Political Engineering degree in the Faculty of Lie, Cheat and Steal at the Bumph School of Fine Arts (BS-FA). Regular readers of this column, all of whom have had radical lobotomies, will recall that three months ago a reporter for this paper was cruelly beaten when he was caught recording Brian Mulroney’s speech to a BS-FA graduating class. Apparently, one of those present at the beating suffered a pang of conscience, something the school strives to eradicate, and decided to leak the papers. They made pretty scary reading and it was necessary to edit them harshly down to the following 10 points before introducing them to a family audience. A complete, unabridged set can be obtained by sending 78 cents in small, unmarked bills. BS-FA Guidelines: 1. Know that free trade is bad. Free trade means free people; people who think and act on their own. These people are dangerous. Trade barriers help keep people under control. Therefore: talk up free trade; pass free trade laws; break them later. 2. Know that young kids prefer ‘rich grandpar- ents. Most voters are young enough to be your grandchildren. Therefore, appear rich. Wear expensive clothes; travel first class; throw money around. Taxpayers’ money. Toss lots to your Top secret papers found grandkids. They’ll love it and repay you with votes. 3. If something starts to go wrong: try to hide it; emphatically deny it; blame it on others; appoint a commission; forget it. 4. When setting budgets, estimate future inter- est rates to be two per cent less than reasonable; project the country’s economic growth to be two per cent greater than humanly possible. The budget can then be projected to balance at some point in your political lifetime. 5. Always refer to ordinary privileges as “basic inalienable rights’: These “rights” should include: a house, a job, a high wage, free medical treatment, legal aid, child care, subsidized trans- portation. 6. Strive for at least two “job creation” programs every year. In election years, two a month. Call them “wealth enhancement” pro- grams and sneer at those who say the programs are simply job re-allocating programs designed to give politicians a high profile. 7. Down play the importance of gold. Call it a barbaric relic. Remember that when it was used to back a country’s currency a politician’s spending power was seriously constrained and currency retained its value. Fool people by making a gold coloured coin and call it valuable. Make it big. Bevel its edges. Make it look worth a dollar. People will have confidence in that worthless chunk of lead. You keep the gold. 8. Always strive to appear to be doing the right thing. It doesn’t matter whether the thing is nght or wrong. Appearance, not correctness, is para- mount. 9. Talk out of the right (politically speaking) side of your mouth. Spit on the people from the left (ps) side. Be careful to keep the spittle from _ hitting your shirt or blouse. It doesn’t feel good. 10. Encourage divisiveness across the country. - If you can keep people fighting with each other Over, Say, a constitutional matter, you can steal their wallets without them knowing. Welcome to Canada’s 124th year everyone. TheReview Wednesday, June 27,1990 — A7 bly no extra charge. Af, 652-5894 7174 West Saanich If it's PHOTOCOPIES you want we are the place to come. Best selection of papers in town. No extra charge for colours. two sided at the touch of a button on our Super Konica 7090. Recycled papers also, at Up to 11" x 17" vel Dear friends and patients: earth has been abrupily ended. Barbara L. Fallot R.M.T. THANK YOU SO MUCH Your kindness, concern and compassion during the recent sudden illness of my father, Walter Fallot, has been overwhelming. Unfortunately, his time on this Office hours will resume as scheduled on Tuesday, July 3. | look forward to seeing you all again soon. Help your dog DID YOU KNOW that on a hot summer day a medium-sized roast can be cooked in your car if it’s left in the sun with the windows rolled up. That analogy is designed to bring home a special message from the folks at the Victoria branch of the B.C. SPCA. The message is Help your dog beat the heat. Don’t leave your dog, or any animal for that matter, in a parked car during the hot summer months. You could be risking his life. Even with the windows slightly open the tempera- ture inside your car can reach 39 degrees Celsius in 10 minutes, in the shade. Your pet does not sweat like you do. A hot car interferes with a dog’s normal cooling process, that is, evaporation through panting. With nothing but overheated air to breathe a dog can last only a short time before suffering irreparable brain damage or even death. So don’t take your pet shopping with you. Leave him at home to find relief from those hot summer days. * & YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE A rocket scientist, but for this contest some sort of scientific knowledge would probably help. B.C Hydro iS requesting proposals from the private sector for the supply of electricity from geothermal sources — hot water or steam reservoirs within drilling distance of the earth’s surface. They want to extract heat energy from the source to drive turbines and generators to produce electricity. The catch is, prospective producers are required to demonstrate the financial and technical capabilit- ies required to construct, own and operate a generating station. There are no existing com- mercial operations of this kind in B.C. but aspiring entrepreneurs have until September 14 to submit a proposal. kK x A FASHION SHOW organized by Gloria Addison of Pandora’s Closet held recently at Dunsmuir Lodge raised $200.39 for the Sidney Lions/Review Food Bank, Lions club member Bill Brain said. * * OX GREAT ZUCCHINI GARDENERS now have a forum to show off their handiwork. The All-Time, Good -Time Fair is part of the Pacific National Exhibition in Vancouver and, this year, organizers present the first annual Great Zuc- chini Contest, designed especially for non- commercial home gardeners. It’s easy to enter and easy to win because there’s no pre-registration or entry fee. All you have to do is show up with your massive zucchini — tagged with your name, address and phone number — at the PNE Agrodome, (Gate 6 off Renfrew) on August 16. Judges determine the top zucchini by weight, and the winner gets a plaque and a $100 grocery gift certificate. kK AND FINALLY, a cartoon of firemen with the ladder truck removing a cat from a tree is so much cowabunga, according to a SPCA newsletter. The answer to the pressing question: “How do you get a cat out of a tree” is simple. You don’t. It got up there, eventually itll come down. Cats do not fall out of trees and they do not starve in trees. The advice is: “Take control of yourself, return to your interrupted activities and leave the cat to enjoy the view.” Come Join eUDDIES Celebrat aC, Ww ing Sidney Days TAPP oil We will be open Sun., July 1st 10:30 a.m.-4 p.m. Us in Sidewalk Speciais 20-50% off Selected Toys Monday, July 2nd 2496 BEACON AVE., SIDNEY 655-7171 B.E.Goodrich 1/2 PRICE TIRE SALE BUY ONE TIRE AT REGULAR PRICE RECEIVE THE SECOND TIRE AT HALF PRICE. GURTON’S GARAGE LTD. TIRE LAND SIDNEY VISA * SHELL * MASTERCARD Corner of McTavish & E. Saanich Rd. 656-3939 You're Invited! Come on Down to the Cozy Lounge on the Waterfront, for an Entertaining Evening with... i SCOTT C & Friends 8:30 PM. TO 12:30 A.M. athon If you enjoy good old Rock & Roll from the 60’s & 70’s drop in and let Scott play your favorite requests on... JUNE 28ih, 29th, & 30th Thursday, Friday, Saturday See you there!