Page M12 June 20, 1990. This Week HUMOR Canadian politicians are bush league compared with America’s Clown Prince y fellow Canucks, it is with heavy heart that I bring this report to you today. I tried. I poured with red-rimmed eyes over dusty tomes of Canadian history. I buttonholed my contacts upon Parliament Hill and down at City Hall. It’s no use. The Americans have aced us once again. If little Danny Quayle had been left to his own devices, chances are he'd be a golf pro at some country club in his home state of Indiana. That’s what he loves to do -- play golf. Unfortunately for the would- be duffer, he possesses a profile that makes him look like Robert Redford, topped with a Kennedyesque shock of wavy hair. dent of the United States -- one heartbeat away from the most powerful political office on the face of the earth. Some cynics speculate that Dan Quayle is George Bush’s walking bullet-proof vest -- that even the most deranged assassin would never scrag George knowing goofy Dan was waiting in the wings. Other, kinder critics say that elimination of human rights.” Remember Alexander Dub- cek, the courageous Czech who defied the Russians? Dan doesn’t. “Who would have predicted” mused Dan on prime time TV, “that Dubcek, who brought the tanks in to Czechoslovakia in 1968 is now being proclaimed a hero in Czechoslovakia? Unbeliev- able.” =—Basie-Black By ARTHUR BLACK When it comes to political klutzes, Canada just is not in the Big Leagues. Oh, we've had our inspired amateurs. Pig-farmer-turned- culture-vulture Felix Holtmann . . . Bob Stanfield fumbling footballs and Joe Clark fumbling elections . . . Canada has had MPs con- sorting with hookers and a PM consulting with crystal balls, but as diverting as Canada’s less skillful politicians have been they are strictly bush league beside America’s Clown Prince of Politics. Canada has never fielded a candidate as breathtaking as J. Danforth Quayle. His ambitious wife and a posse of shrewd backroom boys knew an electable face when they saw one. They took the putter from Danny’s hands, slipped him into a suit and tie and ran him for senator. He won. Even that’ might not have turned out so badly for the world -- American senators are almost as harmless and ir- relevant as the Canadian variety -- but for reasons no one has ever been able to fig- ure out, the eye of George Bush, president-to-be, fell on hapless Dan. Wheels were oiled and palms were greased and Danny Quayle, vice-presi- yes, Dan is... inexperienced . . . but few years as Veep will put hair on his chest and some gray matter where right now, only aimless zephyrs blow. Alla realist can say is... not so far. In his two-and-a-bit years aS vice president, Quayle has stumbled from gaffe to pratfall to outright swan dive. He told Hawaiians that their island plays a pivotal role in the Pacific because “itis INithe Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.” He told El Salvadoran offi- cials that American expected them to “work towards the weight loss. * each kit comes complete with the entire program. 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