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This Week June 13. 1990. “Page M19

MODERN LIVING

EAR MISS MAN-

NERS — What is

a wife to do when

another woman

' starts flirting with her hus-
band at a party?

I smiled politely and pre-
tended not to notice, as a

% single woman — a stranger to
us both — fell alll over my
husband, but inwardly I was
seething.

My husband kept moving
away from her, but she kept
popping up at his elbow. She
made him very uncomfortable
and ruined the party for us

ae We left very early.

GENTLE READER —
: What are you seething about?
It seems to Miss Manners
that you received a clear de-
monstration that your hus-
band is not interested in flirt-

ing with someone else.

Perhaps you don’t have to
thank the eager lady for giv-
ing you this opportunity. But
Miss Manners suggests that
you might want to congratu-
late yourself on your own be-
havior.

Had you done anything
other than smile blandly —
had you made it clear that
you were seething — you
would never have known
whether your husband was
actually welcoming the atten-
tion and only pretending HO
to for your benefit.

DEAR MISS MANNERS

S When I encountered a man I
knew from a few years ago, he
was in the company of anoth-

Hard way to start

B

ome days, you

just can’t win.

You wake up in

the morning feel-

ing great. The sky is

blue, the sun is shining

and the air, when you

step outside for the
® # morning paper is full of
the scent of spring and
birdsong.

It is only later, when you
have poured yourself a cup of
coffee, turned on the radio
and opened up the newspaper
that things take a nasty turn.
Now there may be some who
can take the daily dose of
strife, star wars, the rape of
the planet, and man’s inhu-
manity to man in stride.
Maybe a sense of self preser-
vation kicks in and inures
them to global conflict, and
rampant crime. It must be
handy to be able to view the
world in such an abstract
fashion. And it does save
wear and tear on one’s com-
passion.

BS But some of us are not so
lucky. Some of us are not able
to look at things from a dis-
tance. Every tale of horror is
a personal affront. We feel
revulsion for the crimes and
suffer for the victims. It’s a
hard way to start a day.

It’s not the fault of the
media. They are just doing
their job, keeping us in-
formed. It’s just that some

_ days I would be much happier
if I wasn’t quite so well in-
formed.

er man. Various clues indicat-
ed that they were a “couple”.

This is perfectly all right
with me, but I do not know if
they are aware of my atti-
tude.

If this had been a man-
woman couple, I would have
been at ease in asking, tact-
fully, about their relationship

— “Qh, is this your wife?” or

“Are you married now?” —
without causing offense,
though perhaps risking a
tnild faux pas Gf the response
was “Oh, my goodness, no —
this is my cousin.”) and a
polite laugh by all of us.

By JUDITH MARTIN

Is there a way of making
my openness known without
risking a serious affront?”
_ Does current convention re-
ar re that I abide by the
tiquette restrictions of a ho-
mophobie society?

GENTLE READER — It
seems to Miss Manners that
your anxiety to prove how

And it’s not just the daily
news, either. The other day,
while browsing in a book-
store, I met an acquaintance.
She had just finished reading
a certain book, and recom-

=Geldenred=

By IVY KENT

mended it highly. She said
she knew I would find it de-
lightful. So, on the strength of
her opinion, I bought the
book.

When I read, I read for
education or pleasure. The
book she so highly recom-
mended was intended to fit in
the latter category. It didn’t.
And it left me with the feeling
that maybe I don’t know the
woman as well as I thought.
And she certainly must have
the wrong impression of me.

Of course I had to read the
thing through to the end, hop-
ing to discover what she
found so attractive about it.
Then I felt guilty about that,
wasting valuable time, letting
some author lead me into a
state of despondency by ex-
posing me to his morbidity. I

How do you handle a flirt?

tolerant you are has blinded

you to the basic requirement -

of tolerance known as mind-
ing one’s-own business.

If, indeed, you would de-
mand to know whether a ho-
mosexual couple were mar-
ried or planning to be so, you
would be guilty of a rudeness
only too likely to cause them
embarrassment.

These arrangements are for
others to announce. If you feel
that the two gentlemen you
met have made it clear to you
that they are a couple and you
wish to show your pleasure in
their happiness, why don’t
you invite them over for din-
ner?

DEAR MISS MANNERS
— My mother passed away
five years ago, and my father
has remarried. Recently he
gave me my mother’s engage-
‘ment and wedding ring set.

Since I am married and
have never had an engage-
ment ring, would it be proper
for me to wear this set in
place of my own wedding
ring?

GENTLE READER —
Certainly you may enjoy
wearing your mother’s rings.
But Miss Manners doesn’t
quite like that idea of “in
place of’. She worries about
the feelings of the gentleman
who gave you the wedding
ring you are now wearing.

Fortunately a stacked ring
effect is rather chic. You could
simply add the set to your
own ring. Or you could wear
them on your right hand.

a day

felt cheated. I want what I
read to make me feel good
about myself. I want it to
widen my horizons and in-
crease my empathy. I do not
want to feel cheapened or
diminished by it. I wonder if
it is old-fashioned to want
what I read to add to my life,
not detract from it.

I was hard put to it to be
tactful when the woman tel-
ephoned to see how I had
enjoyed the book. She couldn’t
understand why I wasn’t im-
pressed.

“But it is so real,” she said.
“Things like that go on every
day. 7

I Faaatted to the truth of
that. A lot of what is written
today is done under the um-
brella of “reality” . . . this tell
it like it is school of thought
seems determined to keep in
touch with the seamier side of
life, bad language and all.
Who needs it? We get enough
realism on a daily basis.
Perhaps some of our fiction
writers, instead of wallowing
in the abhorrent behavior
patterns of our permissive so-
ciety, should instead try and
capture some of the joy that
comes with true appreciation
of life. Then, instead of leav-
ing us with a sense of futility,
they would leave us with a
feeling of hope, a belief in the
fundamental good in humani-
ty.

Of course such writing
wouldn't be nearly as banka-
ble, and in the final analysis,
that is, unfortunately, the

‘bottom line.

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