¢ Opinion My brother says the world evolves in a random manner and it is the way each of us deals with this randomness that determines the quality of our lives. Other folks who prefer to believe the universe is unfolding according to a divine plan, or at least in an orderly way which, in our ignorance, we see as random, will have some trouble accepting my brother’s theory. However, for some genetic reason, I tend to side with him — with one reservation. Governments do not function randomly in spite of what someone new to the planet might suspect. In fact, scientific studies have shown that these large bureaucracies operate in accordance with a number of very precise mathematical formulae which are completely at odds with the random wanderings of the rest of the universe. Let me give _ you some examples. 1. The ratio between the time required to research and plan a project is no less than twice the time it takes to actually do it. Scientists say to illustrate this theory it is only necessary to give a government something to do and then stand back. They advise measuring the doing time in miles- tones, and the planning time in inchstones. - 2. The number of people needed to complete a government project can be found by dividing the height of the pile of papers required to complete the project by the dollar value of the project. 3. In order for a government project to be approved, it’s weight or capacity must be exceeded by 1.667 times the weight or volume of the paper needed to describe its necessity. Let me give you an example which, while it is not directly related to the above, is statistically close enough. Provincial forestry consultants with impeccable credentials wrote in a secret report that the number of trees chopped down in British Colum- bia to make the paper required to print the protests and counter-protests related to saving the trees in the Carmanah Valley is exactly equal to the number of trees now standing in the valley. The big forest executives know this and they just love protesters. Precise guessing is a science But we digress. 4. As far as estimating the final cost of a government project before it begins, the philoso- phy seems to be that close only counts in hand grenades. This suggests that cost estimates are impossible to determine accurately until well after the project is finished — perhaps 30 years after. This is correct only in pure research and develop- ment projects which are impossible to cost because, of course, no one has ever done them before. The final costs of all other projects can be determined by adding, just to the left of the decimal point of the first cost estimate, the number of zeros obtained by counting the dots on a domino chosen by a blindfolded file clerk from within the department charged with the responsi- bility for the project. Now I know what you're thinking. You’re thinking that this is not a true mathematical formula but is just a random theory dreamed up fuzzy thinkers and sexist ningnongs looking for a laugh at the expense of some poor filing clerk hired because she has large lungs. - Not so. In fact, hard-pressed accounting types tapping their fingers into bloody stumps on a myriad of calculator keys have proven that if you put an infinite number of blindfolded file clerks (with large lungs) at work picking up an infinite number of dominoes, the odds of determining the final cost of a government project before it starts are six to five against. This is considered to be close enough in respectable scientific circles. Gosh, we’ve used up almost all the space this journal allots to math and science without proving that: 5. the time required to set up a new government department varies inversely with the need for the service to be provided; 6. rank times I.Q. is a constant; 7. and the incidence of failures in bureaucracies is directly proportional to the square of the size of the crowd involved multiplied by the rank of the most senior observing official. Ah well, that’s science for you. TheReview Wednesday, May 30,1990 — A7 ee ak ak eek ek ae berke Say it more AF. i often with =e : flowers! Horget-Me-Not ee : FLORIST & GIFT SHOP <