Page M6 April 4, 1990. This Week

ETIQUETTE

Is there a polite beggar response?

are Miss Manners

bring up the topic of

etiquette between

beggars and those
from whom they beg?

The superficially sensitive
will recoil form the idea. Isn’t
it decadent and disgusting
even to think of such a frill
when hunger and destitution
are involved?

And yet their own. behavior
toward beggars is determined
not by a policy of how best to
use charity to help compen-
sate for misfortune, but in
reaction to etiquette pressure.

To some, it seems rude to
turn away any request. To
others, the fact of the request
itself seems so rude that they
feel justified in treating it
rudely. And those who occa-

sionally give tend to make
their choices in terms of an
etiquette assessment of the
beggar’s behavior toward
them — aggressive, humble,
defiant or pathetic.

more desperate the situation,
the greater the need for civil-
izing forces.

There are civilized and un-
civilized ways of soliciting
money, whether on one’s own

which organizations are the
most effective or deal with the
problems which seem the
most crucial or the most solv-
able, how much one can afford
to give — Miss Manners does

==Miss-Manners=

By JUDITH MARTIN

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Miss Manners of course de-
nies that etiquette is a frill.
Rather, it is the society’s vol-
untary (as opposed to legal)
system for maintaining a cru-
cial modicum of civilized be-
havior among all people. The

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behalf or for others; and there
are civilized and uncivilized
ways of responding, both for
those who wish to comply
with the request and for those
who do not. The encounter is a
sufficiently delicate one that
it should not be left to chance.
Like Judge Leonard B.
Sand of the Federal District
Court in Manhattan, Miss
manners lumps those who
seek charity for others with
those who ask help for them-
selves. In ruling against a
total ban on panhandling in
the New York subways, Judge
Sand defined charitable solici-
tation as including fund rais-
ing for major philanthropic or
ganizations, as well as asking
for change from passers-by.
As a matter of fact, Miss
Manners has seen represen-
tatives of chic causes employ
techniques more ruthlessly
intended to embarrass people
into giving money — in the
hopes that the importuners
will think well of them or just
plain go away — than any
that a panhandler would use.
It seems to Miss Manners to
be essential for every citizen
with enough to live on to have
worked out his or her own
moral policy on philanthropy.
Whether giving to individuals
provides immediate relief or
encourages destructive vices,

not presume to answer such
difficult questions for anyone
but herself.

But once these questions
are answered and a policy is
determined, etiquette does
not require that one be
swayed to violate it. Techni-
ques designed to make people
feel that it is rude not to give
— or not to give more — are
an illegitimate use of eti-
quette. :

(Appealing to charitable im-
pulsiveness is something else.
Being able to present a cause
so as to make it deeply ap-
pealing as an object of philan-
thropy — whether this is done
by eloquent volunteers or by
beggars — is a rewarding ta-
lent.)

The polite positive response
is to hand over the money
pleasantly, not to fling it or
accompany it with censuring
words. The polite negative re-
sponse to a plea for money is a

simple “No, I'm sorry.”

Of course there should be
thanks for the former, but the
latter should never inspire
unpleasantness. It takes a
moment to register an unex-
pected solicitation, and many
a person has walked on a few
steps, only to think better of it
and turn back.

Dear Miss Manners — Al-

though I have learned that it

is improper to reduce a salad
to bite-sized portions with a

knife, I have never known .

{

why. Is this another of those —/

pesky, inane little rules of
etiquette which must be fol-
lowed mindlessly, or is there
some reason for it? I also
wonder whether there is an
exception for salads presented
in a bowl.

Gentle Reader — Why are
you insulting etiquette? Why
aren’t you insulting the pesky,
inane, mindless chef who
failed to reduce this salad to
bite-sized pieces with the kit-
chen knife? That’s the person

who set a booby trap for the @

mannerly eater.

It is true that etiquette for-
bids you to use a meat knife
on the salad, but it is not so
silly as to expect you to chop a
full wedge of iceberg lettuce or
a killer tomato with the side
of a fork.

When good sense is lacking
in the kitchen, it provides a
weapon of defence: The salad
knife, a small but highly use-
ful instrument which is much
unappreciated in this society.
Salad knives are therefore
nearly impossible to find, but
(come closer where Miss Man-
ners can whisper to you) a

children’s-size knife in your en

pattern will do just as well.

Are you unsure about tipp-

ing? Miss Manners’ pamphlet ¢ e

on tipping explains who
should be tipped and how
much It is available for $1.50
from Miss Manners, in care of
this newspaper.

Feeling incorrect? Address
your etiquette questions (in
blue or black ink on white
writing paper) to Miss Man-
ners, in care of this newspaper.
The quill shortage prevents

- Miss Manners from answer-

ing questions other than
through this column.

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