Before we go any further, it’s important to stop
and talk some science.

Deep inside everyone’s brain on the left side
about half way back is, and here I will use the
scientific term, the herd instinct node. It’s the
brain part which encourages lower animals such
as lemmings to go on breeding binges and then
leap into the sea together to wash off.

Many humans have overdeveloped herd instinct
nodes and these nedes account for best sellers. I
was born without the herd instinct node — a
biological screw up for which I am eternally
thankful — and I avoid best sellers like a cobra
avoids a mongoose.

Blue Eyes says that instead I have an overly
developed heels-dug-in-deeply node. She’s a nice
person but knows diddly squat about science.

Anyway, last night a friend brought over a copy
of a recent best seller and said I should read it. It
was written by a guy with a name like Phlegm -
another scientific word meaning sticky spit.

Phlegm says im his book that everything he
really needed to know he learnt in kindergarten.
Well, I didn’t have to read past page six to know
that this guy was so far off base that a one-eyed
pitcher stoned on Stag could pick him off without
really trying.

Phlegm says he learnt in kindergarten to share
everything, play fair, not to hit people, eat warm
cookies, drink cold milk, flush-and wash his
hands. What a crock. Where could he have found
such a silly kindergarten? If it was on our planet
then I’m a garbanzo bean. :

In my prairie kindergarten I learnt to run. Fast.
Otherwise Gilbert Cook would jump on my back
and beat me senseless.

When I cried he told me to shut up or he’d do
the same to my dad. Gilbert was very tough and
close to four feet tall and I believed him. I learnt
to snivel and cower instead.

I also learnt that wearing short pants in the
summer and breeks in the winter was about the
sissiest thing a five-year-old could do.

So much for kindergarten. It was out on the
streets where real learning occurred.

Kindergarten not a learning lab

Grant Goldstein lived across the road. He was a
giant of a man. Grade 2. He taught me how to
pinch really hard; how to achieve very flexible
arms by bending mine back and way up; and
where to bite during a fight.

One time I bit Gilbert so hard he had to get
shots. Boy, did he pummel me for that.

Grant had a fat friend called Billie Butler. From
him I learnt that fat was bad. Billie couldn’t run
worth a dam and Gilbert always caught him and
beat him up - unless Grant was around.

Phlegm says he learnt to take afternoon naps, to
hold hands and stick together - but nothing about
sex. Where did this guy live? Under a cabbage
leaf?

At age five I knew all about sex. I knew that
dames were different in many ways. For instance
they had longer hair than most boys, giggled, wore
yellow dresses in the summer (no breeks in the
winter) and they were tougher than Gilbert.

There was this younger girl, maybe four and
three-quarters years old, who lived a few doors
away. I probably shouldn’t tell you her name
because this might embarrass her; it was Teeda
Kevin.

We were good friends and, from time to time,
played house with some of her dolls in an old
garage behind her place. I nearly always got to be
the father.

One day after we had put the kids to bed and
were kicking around the idea of adding another
doll to our family, I had to go to the bathroom. I
used a far corner of the garage. My wife came
over to watch.

“Oh, is that how fathers do it?*

‘Do mothers do it different.<

“Yep.° And she showed me.

I said it looked interesting but preferred my way
and we never again talked about having another
doll. Phlegm doesn’t mention receiving a similar,
solid, early grounding in human sexuality which
probably explains why he has to hold hands a lot.

Well, I have to go now. It’s beddie bye time and
Blue Eyes has my cookies and milk all ready for
me. But first I have to tinkle, flush and wash my
hands.

Rain forest saved by studenis

FIVE ACRES OF AMAZON rain forest is to be
saved with $129 raised by students at Keating
Elementary School in recent weeks. The drive
was organized by Grade 2 students, who built a
tree in the hallway with a donation box attached,
as part of the Green Fair the school held. Teacher
Chris Morley and student teacher Verna March
were very pleased with the result and will send
the money to the World Wildlife Federation.

x KK

YEARS OF WORK looking after the Deep
Cove public wharf by 82-year-old Bill Blaaw
was recognized last week by a local radio station.
Blaaw has spent a considerable amount of time in
past years restoring the public wharf, which was
sold to North Saanich by the federal government
about 10 years ago. When the provincial govern-
ment tured down a grant application to spruce it
up, Blaaw stepped in. C-FAX 1070 awarded
Blaaw its Citizen of the Year Merit Award last
week.

kK O*

MT. NEWTON DAY CENTRE executive
director Patsy Berger-Northwas also recognized
with a C-FAX Citizen of. the Year Merit Award
for dedication and devotion to improving health
care for seniors. Central Saanich residents Liz
and Colin Gorrie were honored with the C-FAX
Arts Leader of the Year Community Award for
their work with the fledgling Kaleidoscope
Theatre Company. The company recently com-
pleted its production of Callanish, using a West
Saanich Road Arbutus tree as part of the set. Liz
is the company’s artistic director while Colin

serves as its executive director.
* Kk O&K

CLASS REUNIONS are usually held for
graduates of high schools but what about former

as

students in preschool? Metchosin Preschool is
25-years-old this year and organizers are looking
for past parents and early students to help
celebrate the event with a fabulous gala ball
during the evening of June 1 on the grounds of
Pearson College. Publicist Dave Preston said:
“After 25 years of learning through play we’re
more than ready to dress up and dance the night
away. Information is available from Linda at
478-4936 or Seso at 478-3688.
* OK *

LONGTIME FARMERS IN Central Saanich
and around the Greater Victoria region, G.A.
Vantreight and Sons were recognized last week
by Junior Achievement Victoria. The Vantreight
farm, now operated by Geoff, Michael and lan
Vantreight, first started in business in 1884 by
John Vantreight, a structural engineer who
immigrated from Dublin, Ireland. The farm was
recognized aS a great source of employment of
youths, working on crops of daffodils, tulips, iris,
cabbage, cauliflower and kiwifmuit.

* k

TheReview

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