This Week March 21, 1990.

Page M5

ETIQUETTE

Should women share their men?

ear Miss Manners—I have been a widow

for a little over a year. Although I am 64

years old, I keep active in religious and

political circles, and I now feel that I’d like

® to begin attending the banquets, dances and parties
that require a lady to have an escort.

A relationship is out of the question. Several of my
friends’ husbands have made passes at me, but I
turned them down. I want to keep my friendships,
even if P’'ve pulled away from them since I became
unattached.

What I would like is to be able to “borrow” the
husband of a friend when I need an escort. I’m willing
to take care of all expenses. I just don’t know how to
go about this in the proper way, or how to be sure it
does not harm the friendships that my late husband
and I had with these couples over the years.

Should I ask the wife’s permission to ask her
husband, or ask her to ask him? Should I ask the

y husband first and then ask the wife? Should I ask the
husband and not mention it at all to the wife?

With women outnumbering men the way they do,
don’t you think it’s unfair, as well as unrealistic, for
any woman to expect to keep a man for herself
exclusively? Should we have some rules for sharing
men? There must be a civilized, peaceful way to do
this, especially among friends of long standing.

You could be doing a great service to humanity by
addressing this issue. I promise to do whatever you
suggest, even if it means continuing to miss the social
events that require an escort.

Also, I am a naturally warm person and I thank all
people with an embrace and a kiss. Should I just
shake hands with these escorts as I thank them and
say good night?

Gentle Reader—TIf you really want Miss Manners
to help you—and she does sympathize with the
unattached lady who is barred from attending

F interesting events because of the barbarous custom

of demanding that every lady come equipped with a

- gentleman—you are going to have to do a lot of work
on this question.

No, there is no polite way of saying to a married
lady, “You really shouldn’t expect to have your
husband all to yourself—you're going to have to learn
to share him with me.”

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There is no polite way of going out with someone
who has made a pass at you, warmly thanking him
with a kiss, and then claiming that you are not
expecting what you term a relationship.

And there is no polite way of telling a lady, “I don’t
want your company this evening—only your hus-
band’s, because he is a man.”

And yet there are circles in which people go out
with one another’s spouses and nobody minds,
because it is all obviously done in perfect innocence—
with no social, let alone romantic, usurpations

Over many years I have been interrupted in
mid-sentence many times. When it’s business, our
livelihood, I understand. However, when the call is
from a friend or relative with whom my husband
chats frequently, I feel he is rude to engage in a long,
entirely social, call while I stand around waiting to
finish our conversation. He has offered to let the
answering machine take calls while we talk, but 1
don’t like to do this, because many of his calls need to
be handled promptly.

Could my husband not politely inform a friend that

|

Miss-Manners

By JUDITH MARTIN

intended or suspected. The evil-minded will find this
hard to believe, having always gone on the supposi-
tion that anyone given the opportunity will behave as
sinfully as possible, but it is nevertheless true.

The difference is that divisions are made on the
basis of interests, not gender. “You know I hate
basketball; would you take my ticket and go keep
Sam company?” “I have an extra concert ticket, but
unfortunately not two—would one of you care to go?”
“If Caleb is going to one of those geology lectures
again, I wish he'd let me go along.” “Tell Tom that if
he’s looking for someone to go to the movies with
when you work late, 'm always game; we could pick
you up for a late supper afterward.”

Notice that each of these quasi-invitations is
addressed to the couple or the wife. The presumption
is that you are all friends, but availability and
inclination have you forming different subgroups on
different occasions.

Dear Miss Manners—My husband conducts a good
amount of business from home on the phone. I work
for him but am also employed elsewhere.

he’s in the middle of something, e.g., say: “My wife is
jabbering away just now. Could I call you right back?”
Or could he not keep his social call brief instead of
rambling from subject to subject while I cool my
heels?

Gentle Reader—Miss Manners supposes he
could, but wonders why you must run him through
the task of putting people off with an excuse, which
he obviously finds embarrassing, when the mechani-
cal device is there for doing so automatically.

The reason for answering machines with screening
devices is exactly that one may take urgent calls at
once without having to take all calls as they arrive.
While there is nothing wrong with explaining that
one is too busy to talk, a caller may be forgiven for
wondering, given the available technology, why, in
that case, one has answered the telephone. -

Feeling incorrect? Address your etiquette questions (in
black or blue-black ink on white writing paper) to
Miss Manners, in care of this newspaper: The quill
shortage prevents Miss Manners from answering
questions other than through this column.

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