By the Soviet humorists

Columbus reaches por

667 AND ahoy! Land ahoy!”’

joyfully shouted a sailor
perched atop the mast. :

“T see a vast mountain range,”
he said to his mates. “But how
strange. Windows are cut ito
it.’ This is the first time I’ve
seen mountains with windows.”

“A canoe with natives,” some-
one shouted.

Waving their plumed hats and
trailing their long cloaks behind
them, the explorers rushed to
look.

Two natives arrayed in strange
green costumes boarded the ship
and silently handed Columbus a
large sheet of paper.

“T want to discover your land,”
said Columbus proudly. “In the
name of Queen Isabella of Spain
I declare these lands to belong. . .

“What’s the difference? First
fill out this questionnaire,’ said
a native wearily. “Name and
surname in block letters, and
state your nationality, whether
you're married, have. trachoma,
are conspiring to overthrow the
American government, and also
whether you’re an idiot.”

Columbus reached for his sword
but since he was not an idiot he
cooled down immediately.

“We must not irritate the na-
tives,” he said to his mates, “The
natives ‘are like children. Some-
times they have the strangest
customs. I know from experi-
ence.” -

“Have you a return ticket and
five hundred dollars?” continued
the native.

“What’s a dollar?” asked the
great navigator in perplexity. ,

“You just stated in the ques-
tionnaire that you’re not an idiot
and yet you don’t know what a
dollar is? What do you plan to
do here?”

“I want to discover America.”

“Will you have any publicity?”

“Publicity? First time I've
heard of it.”

The native looked Columbus
over from head to toe, very slow-
ly, and finally said: “You don’t
know what publicity is?”

“N-no.”

“And you're planning to ‘dis-
eover America? I wouldn’t be
in your shoes for anything, Mr.
Columbus.”

“What? You don’t think Ill
be able to discover this rich and
fertile land?” questioned the
great Genoese with a troubled
frown. ‘

But the native was already
walking away, muttering to him-
self: “No prosperity without pub-
licity.”
©

Columbus was profoundly mov-
ed as he set foot on the new

land. In one hand he held a
modest package of beads which he
planned to exchange profitably
for gold and ivory, and in the
other a huge Spanish flag. But
no matter where he looked he
could not see the soil, grasses or
trees he had been accustomed to
in old, placid Europe. /There
was nothing here but.stone, as-
phalt, concrete and steel.

A huge crowd of natives with
pencils, notebooks and ‘cameras
rushed past him. They surround-
ed a famous boxer who had just
disembarked from a neighboring
ship. He wag a gentleman with
cauliflower ears and an immode-
rately fat neck. No one paid the
slightest attention to Columbus.
Columbus thought bitterly:
“Here I am, after scraping up
money for the expedition, sailing
across the stormy ocean and risk-
ing my life, and nobody pays
the slightest attention to me.”

He went up to a native with
a kind face and said proudly:
“I am Christopher Columbus.”

“Whassat?”

“Christopher Columbus.’

“Spell it,” said the native im-
patiently.

Columbus spelled it.

“I seem to recall it vaguely,”
answered the native. “Do busi-
ness in portable machines?”

“fT have discovered Amertica,”
said Columbus slowly.

“You don’t mean it?
when?” ;

“Just now. About five minutes
ago.”

“Now that’s interesting. And
just exactly what do you want,
Mr. Columbus?”

“J think,” said the great navi-
gator modestly, “that entitles me
to some measure of fame.”

“But did anyone meet you at
the dock?”

“Not a soul. The natives had
no idea I intend to discover them.”

“You should have cabled. Who
does things that way? When
youre planning to discover a
new land first send a_ tele-
gram, prepare a couple of funny
stories to hand out to the repor-
ters and get. a hundred on so
“photographs ady. Otherwise
nothing’ll come of it. What you
need is publicity.” —

“Publicity! That’s the second
time I’ve heard this strange word.
Just what does it mean? Is it
a religious ritual or some heathen
sacrifice?”

The native looked at the new-
comer pityingly.

“Don’t be a child,” he said.
“Pyblicity is publicity. Mr. Col-
umbus, I shall try to do some-
thing for you. I feel sorry for
you.” : : ;

Since

‘

who have doubled and trebled
what they are about.”
the thoughts are free.”

Bernal in reply to a question,

Tasks planned 3 thought tree

6s T IS quite clear from everything one sees in the Soviet
Union that the scientists there have a feeling that, they
are part of a general enterprise,” ; f :
Professor J. D. Bernal made this point in London when he
spoke on “Science in the USSR Today.”
“Certain of my colleagues who have never produced more
than a tadpole, pronounce on the “low level” of Soviet scien-
tists—who, have transformed crops into entirely new. crops,

“It may not be science—but we had better find out what it
is! The scientists in the Soviet Union know perfectly well

Lysenko had told him: “You mustn't think that science or
thought are primed in this country. The tasks are planned,

Biologists who did not agree with Lysenko were for the
most part still working in their own fields,

yields,” he said, ‘ i

said Professor

like a scalded cat.

He took Columbus to a hotel
and got him a room on the thirty
fifth floor. Then he left him alone
in the room, declaring that he
would see what he could do for
him. ‘

Half-an-hour later the door
opened and the kind native walk-
ed in with two other natives. One
of them kept chewing something
all the time. The other got a
tripod, attached a camera to it,
and said:

“Now smile! Laugh! You don't
understand? Well then do what
I do—ha-ha-ha!” and the photo-
grapher unsmilingly barred his
teeth and whinnied. Columbus’
nerves gave way and he laughed
hysterically, There was a flash,
the camera clicked, and the
photographer said “Thanks.”

Now the other native took Col-
umbus in hand. Still chewing, he
took out a pencil and said: “Your
name?”

“Columbus.”
“Spell it. Col-um-bus. Very
good. It’s most important not

to mix up names. How long since
you discovered America, Mr. Col-
man? Today? Very good. How
do you like America?” ;

“You see, I haven’t had time
to get a complete picture of this
fertile land.”

The reporter sat deep in
thought.
“That so? Then tell me, Mr.

Colman, what four things do you
like best about New York?”

“Well, you see, it’s difficult . .”

: The reporter again fell into
deep thought. He was accustom-

‘ed to interviewing boxers and

movie stars. Dealing with a chap

_as slow and dumb as Columbus

was hard on him. Finally he
nerved himself for another en-
counter and squeezed out the fol-
lowing strikingly original ques-
tion: ’

“Mr. Columbus, can you tell
me two things you did NOT like?”
~ Columbus gave a deep sigh. He
had never been in such a fix. He
wiped his brow and turned timid-
ly to his native friend:

“Perhaps we could get along
without publicity?”

“You're mad,” said the kind

native, paling. “The fact that
you've discovered America does

not mean anything. The impor- |

tant thing is for America to dis-
cover you.” Pose.
The reporter made a tremen-
dous mental effort and arrived at
this inspired question:
“How do you like American
women?”

Without waiting for an answer
he began to write busily. When

he finished he said, “Okay,” slap-

ped the embarrassed Columbus
‘on his lace-trimmed, velvet back,

shook his hand and left.

“Well, now everything’s fine,”
said the kind native. ‘Let’s go
for a walk in the city.
you've discovered the country,

- you might as well have a look at

it. Only you won't be allowed on

- Broadway with this flag. Better

leave it behind.”
The walk along Broadway end-

ed in-a visit to a thirty-five cent

burlesque show from which the
great and shy Christopher fled
He rushed
through the streets, bumping into
people and praying aloud. When

he got to his room he threw him-

self down on the bed and to the
rumble of the elevated trains fell
into a deep sleep. :

Since -

Early the next morning Colum-
bus’ protector ran in, joyously
waving a newspaper. On the
eighty-fifth page the horrified
navigatol' recognized his
ning countenance. ‘The caption
said he was simply mad about
American women, whom he
thought the most elegant crea-
tures in the world, that he was
the best friend of the Ethiopian
Negus Selassie, and incidentally
that he was to lecture on geogra-
phy at Harvard University.

The worthy Genoese was on
the point of swearing that ‘he
had never said a word of it, but
at this moment some new visi-
tors arrived.

Wasting no time on polite am-
enities, they got down to business
at once. Publicity had begun
working its magic; Columbus was
being invited to Hollywood.

“You see, Mr. Columbus,” the
visitors tried to drive home to
him, “we want you to take the
leading role in the historical film
Amerigo Vespucci. Just think of
it. The real Christopher Colum-
bus in the role of Amerigo Ves-
pucci. The public will fall for
it. The whole point is that the
dialogue will be Broadway slang.
Get it? You don’t? Then we'll
tell you all about it from the
beginning. We have a scenario.
It’s based. on Alexander Dumas’
novel The Count ef Monte Cristo
—but that isn’t important. We’ve

-tehearsed it to include the dis-

covery of America.”

Columbus reeled and moved his

lips wordlessly.. He was, evident-
ly praying.

Late that night he sat at his
desk writing a letter to the Queen
of Spain.

“T have travelled far and wide
but have never met such original
natives. (They cannot tolerate
silence, and so to enjoy as much
noise as possible they have built
special roads all over the city.
These roads are high up on il/on

Revolt in

: LONDON
HILE the imperialists have

been striving with loans and

diplomatic maneuvers to bolster
the tottery regime of Spanish
dictator Francisco Franco, news
of a major revolt against him
in Morocco has broken through
the censorship.

The “confidential” foreign re-
port of the London Economist
says that “recent revolts have

‘reached constacrable propor-
tions.” :
“This might have awkward

consequences in Spain,” it adds.
According to the Economist's

“scoop,” there have been three

revolts in the past three years
in Spain’s African colony.

At first the leader was an
African nationalist named Tor-
res, with links in French Mor-
occo and Egypt, who has now
taken refuge in the Tangier In-
ternational zone.

This past summer’s revolt in

Spanish Morocco has been more »
serious, says the Economist, be-

cause: 5
@ It has affected the Span-

Spain as 2 precaution.
@ Two years of drought and

famine have hit the Moroccan

masses’ living standards, already

meager.

grin-

_ have many gods,

ILYA ILF and EUGENE PETROV

pillars, and iron carriages be
along them day and night. Thi
makes the noises

the natives.

“JT have not yet been able to ‘
are cab-

determine whether they €
nibals, but at any rate they ae
hot dogs. With my Own ®¥7
Hs saw many stands wh
sers-by are urged to eat
and told how tasty they areiahe
“Everybody het'e :
odor which in the verneelay
ig’ called gasotine.. “All the GREE
are steeped in this odor, Wi
is most unpleasant to
pean nose. Even the na
ties smell of gasoline.
“J was able to establish
i eathens.
the natives are h a he names
are written in letters of fire n
their huts. It seems they ba
ship most the Goddess Coc core
the God Druggist Soda, and
dess Cafeteria and the gieat
of the Gasoline Smell,
seems to be their Zeus.
“The natives are terri
tons and are everlasting
ing something. . e
“A ceremony held every i
ning in the locality called ae
way astounded me. e A
number of natives gather in 2
big hut called the -purlesdu™
Some native women get oF
form and to the barbaric ee
ing of tom-toms and the wal
saxophones gradually §
clothes. All present ¢ the
hands like children. Whe?
women are almost naked 4
natives in the hall have re
fever heat, the most in
hensible part of this am
ritual takes place,
tain drops and everyon
to his own hut.
- “f hope to continue my
gation of this remarkebl
try and to penetrate furt
land. My ‘life is in no
The natives are very conside?,
cordial and kind to stranget®

that

ple glut

hed the

acned

aziD

e cou
her

BO beloved a a)

ere pas
hot dogs

the Bure
tive beau —

Ford. He

ly chews

a plat

ir
jap thei
nd the ;

compr& ‘

reekss.0h game

Morocco —

@ Rebel munition du
been found in the Rif
tains, and rebel leaflets im
mosques.

The Economist’s view. i
the movement is led by
reactionaries and nationali

¢ mour
the

sts put

improved,” it says, “prance te
likely to run into more dang Q
: n tb

ous trouble in Morocco i? ~
future.
“In the 1920's the Ri

although not a direct threat ot
more tag

the Spanish state, é
once undermined the gover®™
in Madrid, :

ek
“Primo de Riviera was calle” fs
itary

to power because of the mi
fiasco in Morocco. = ee

“While there cannot be ae
suggestion yet that the trou”.

i i}
in~ Morocco will immediatell
shake the Franco regime, |

vertbe

creased turmoil could né
less have far-reaching econ?
and political cansequences.””

The imperialists are rus

aid to Franco, just as they be iy

to the Czar of Russia whe?

pn
was threatened with revoluti®

‘before 1914. |

: cent
The British government se
its puppet “King” Abd ulleab ay

with a view to forming @
ish-Arab entente. ,

PACIFIC TRIBUNE — NOVEMBER 2%, 1949 — PAGE ~

fp ware e

pins

mps pave

ree