WITHIN LIMITS

by Harriett Fjaagesund

Ie time we Canadians lodged a cosmic complaint. According
to various news sources the Earth is repeatedly being visited by aliens
from outer space. But when was the last time you heard of a UFO

landing on Canadian soil? Most of these reported sightings seem to occur in places like the
United States, Europe and Russia. So how come these aliens never visit us? Do we have bad
breath or something? Does our body odour offend them? This definitely smacks of
discrimination.

On a recent segment of Unsolved Mysteries, the residents of a small town in the United
States described their interesting experiences with UFO visitations. One woman even
explained how alien spacecraft like. to hang around over top of her house. I thought she
looked rather smug as she looked through the camera lens and into my living room. She
_ probably knows the only thing hovering over my house are a few scruffy crows with a bad
attitude. Obviously. something must be done before things go any further,

Unless we stand up for ourselves now, Canada’s future in the cosmic scheme of things
may be grim. Americans refer to us as the land of ice and snow and hockey players. But what
about the aliens of the future; will Canada gain the reputation for being "the armpit of the
universe" simply because uninformed present-day aliens don’t seem to like us? Envision what
life will be like 50 years from now if we continue to let things slide.

Other countries will be doing a thriving trade business with aliens from all across the
galaxy. The Americans will be raking in big tourist bucks as aliens from all over come to ooh
and aah at Disneyland and play the slot machines in Vegas. New alliances will be formed
as Earthlings and non-terrestrial life forms fall in love and marry. Children will be eager to
stay in school because the curriculum will include'a "hands-on" study of life on different
planets. Vacation packages to exotic planets will become the norm. But things will not be
quite so cheery in Canada.

As aliens hot rod around the galaxy in their late-model flying saucers with quaint names
like Galactic Vaporizer and Phantom Starbuster, they'll sport bumper stickers with
derogatory slogans: FEELING DEPRESSED? NEED. A GOOD LAUGH? THEN VISIT
CANADA, THE ARMPIT OF THE UNIVERSE! and WHAT WALKS ON TWO LEGS, LOOKS
FOOLISH, AND WEARS A SILLY GRIN? A CANADIAN TRYING TO CHANGE A FLAT

TIRE ON A SAUCER THAT DOESN’T HAVE TIRES!

Not knowing what else to do with us, aliens will begin dumping all their garbage in
Canada. Eventually we will become infamous for our mounds of smelly garbage and toxic
waste. No doubt two or three generations down the road we will all begin to glow in the dark
and will have three arms, two heads, and a fluffy tail. Aliens will probably consider us a mild
oddity for awhile, even encouraging a few of us to join a galactic circus or to go on the
__ talkshow circuit, but the stigma of being Canadian will prevent any of us from ever becoming

- really famous.

- But it’s still not too late to prevent this future catastrophe from happening. We can fight
back. All we have to do is convince alien life forms that we're nice people. We could start by
- -writing cherry little messages on all our rooftops in bright fluorescent paint, things like WE

'. THINK ALIENS ARE SWELL; WE LOVE ALIENS, COME VISIT US SOON; COFFEE’S ON
= DROP IN AND SET A SPELL.

Sooner or later they're bound to notice us.

Terrace Review — February 28, 1992