[A TRIBUTE TO SPEED CONTROL, A SALUTE TO THE SCIENCE OF PAVING

- Putting the excitement
~ back into motoring...

owre cruising down

Kalum street in second

gear, tuned into Elvis’
Greatest Hits, when SLAM! your
car suddenly jolts to a stop, and
everything turns black. A falling
sensation ripples down your spine,
as you and your vehicle sink into
the dark depths of some bottomless
pit. The windows rattle, the muff-
ler wobbles, and even Elvis sounds
all shook up.

An out-of-body experience? A
doorway to infinity? A black hele
from space? No, it’s just another
pothole in the street, taking its toll
on your Chevy and your nerves,

April is the traditional month for
taking potshots at potholes. As
local pothole crops ripen, area

motorists quickly divide into three
distinct categories: the experienced
Dodgers, elegantly weaving across
traffic lanes to avoid the cavernous
pits; the daredevil Stunt-drivers,
aiming to put some excitement into
their monotonous daily drive; and
the oblivious Daydreamers, tooling
along merrily, unaware of the
yawning potholes ahead waiting to
swallow them into the depths of
the earth, vehicles and all.

Many motorists consider potholes
to be a nuisance, a zit on the face
of asphalt roads. A more creative
way of looking at these, however,
is to recognise potholes as a
unique art form. As with snow-
flakes, no two potholes are alike.
Some potholes are small, inno-
cuous dents on the side of a road,
while others aggressively stretch
out across the pavement like great
gaping doorways into the centre of
the planet. Medium-sized potholes
are the worst, being more vicious
than the small ones, but not as
easily noticed as the larger cavi-
ties. The parking lot beside the
liquor store displays a variety of
these pothole sub-species.
Repeatedly, customers have left
small vehicles parked in this lot,
only to later return and find the tip
of an antenna or roof rack peeking
above the asphalt. These potholes
spread like fungus, forming @
ready-made basement for nearby
businesses.

Many inventive residents are
putting this natural street resource
fo good use. One man has staked

claim to a nearby pothole, keeping
it well-stocked with trout for
spare-time sport fishing. An ath-
letic towel-clad woman jogs down
the street early each morning, to
swim laps in her neighbourhood
pothole. And a particularly friendly

block of residents regularly gathers
to construct a bonfire in their
street’s pothole, resulting in 4
neighbourly weenie roast. These
resourceful people demonstrate the
way to turn potholes into potluck.

So are potholes the downfall of
unlucky drivers or a bonus to
imaginative residents? Both. As
with any part of life, its a matter
of perspective and chance. If
you’re blessed with a positive
attitude, that pothole on your street
can become a source of civic
pride. If you're unlucky, you may
drive through it someday and lose
a few tires, But as the saying goes,
that’s the way the

crumbles.
errace resident Sean Mol-
: denhauer keeps an eye
out for tire-cating
potholes in his path. "There’s a lot
of them around."

Moldenhauer has seen, firsthand,
the potential damage that hitting an
unexpected pothole can cause. One
rainy evening last December, Mol-

denhauer was driving on city”

streets, when he turned a comer
and his car became the victim of a
mammoth pothole. "It took out
both tires on the right side," said
Moldenhauer. One tire was repair-
able, but for the other, "It just
sliced it." The impact also bent the
rims.

Moldenhauer got a good look at
the pothole that ruined his tires and
thinned his wallet. "It was at least
a foot and a half deep," he said.
According to Moldenhauer, this
pothole immobilized at least two
other vehicles before his accident.
The cars and drivers were beside
the road, still assessing the damage
when Moldenhauer’s car rounded
the corner. When he went to a
local garage for repairs, Molden-
hauer was told that this particular
pothole had taken a fair toll on
local traffic. He was also advised
that seeking reimbursement from
the city for towing and repair cosis
would be "just a waste of time".

It appears that this advice was
correct. In 1989, Dr. Joe Zucchiatti
requested compensation from the
city for damages to his vehicle
caused by a run-in with a large
pothole on Kalum street. Zucchiatti
said that his was not the only
vehicle damaged by this particular
pothole; when he phoned the city
emergency number to report the
road hazard, he was told by the
city employee receiving the call
that Ae, too had hit the same

asphalt”

Story, cressword puzzle, concept and
song by Stephanie Wiebe —
Art by Marianne Brorup Weston

pothole the previous day, and bent
arim. According to Zucchiatti, the
hole claimed four hub caps, one
muffler and a total of four tires
and rims before it was repaired.
Zucchiatti was out $281.85.

"| realise that the city does not
usually pay for damage of this
nature in usual cases,” Zucchiatti
wrote to the city in February of
that year, "The fact that the city
was aware of these holes for at
least twenty four hours prior to my
accident and left them unrepaired

would imply a negligence that Where the asphalt and muffler collide,
— Continued on page B9 My axle is wrecked ins

5 . By this paving defect, os

And my wheels split apart on the side. -

Ode to a Pothole

(to the tune of "Home On The Range")

Oh, give me a road,

Where the ground won't erode,

As the traffic moves on down the block, ©
Where cars can drive through

Without dropping from view

And the asphalt is solid as rock.

(chorus:)
Holes, holes far and wide,

Oh, give me a street

Made of steel and concrete, -
With a heavy-weight kryptonite base.

I just want to drive,

Let my new car survive,

Without potholes all over the place.

(chorus:)
_ Holes, holes far and wide,
Where the asphalt and muffler collide,
My axle is wrecked
- By this paving defect,
And my wheels split apart on the side.

Across: Down:

1. Amount paid by the city for damages 2. Object of all this attention.
done to your car by potholes (slang). 5. Tires that have been recycled.
3. Word generally uttered by driver as his 6. Paving material used to fill potholes.
car slams into a pothole. 7. Pothole capital of British Columbia.
4. Vehicles swallowed by mammoth 9, Meditation mantra (irrelevant, but a
potholes. valid two-letter word nonetheless).
8. To drag immobilized car from pothole —_10, The best way to avoid pothole damage
accident scene. to your car.
12. A large pothole is a cavern which leads —11. A large pothole can ruin this expensive
into the centre of this. auto part,
13, Expensive pothole repairing machine. 14. Food for potholes.
15. A street without any potholes.
16. Traditional month to celebrate potholes.
17. City Public Works Department
(acronym),
18. What a pothole does to your patience.
19. Hitting a pothole does this to your time
and money.

’ 2 !

THOSANOZO