ghbo tes m4 , aoteiores an -
, }

r t's ‘the sport of the 90s - — "Telephone Answering Machine e Relay’ anil’ the object © of the game
_is to see how many messages can possibly be relayed without “live” voités entering thes arena.
oo. nan am a reluctant answering-machine athlete. "7 0
- Inever really wanted an answering machine. Tt firmly believe that answering machines are:
a prime example of modern technology tuned to an obnoxious extreme. ‘People buy answering

_ machines to improve the quality of their lives, yet never before have BO many been 80 irritated. .

ccuars So why am Tin the a answering machine relay? After hearing for the kasillionth: time, "T tried
cee to reach you but you're never home. You really should get a machine, you. know," I wavered. When..
~+:] thought about all those phone calls I was missing, I gave in, |
- So. not only did I acquire a machine, I actually became enthusiastic. about it — ~ for a while. I
figured Td catch all those important messages that would change my :life. I ‘wouldn't miss
anything. Td 8 save time. For all I knew the Queen:had been calling for years: while I was out. This '
was gonna he great. oy -
Well, almost.. The first day, L had to. solicit messages,
, ae "Call me, will:ya?:I just got my: new machine." A pitiful:
pwn exr.. | ve image, but‘TH-admit I sat and watched. while my friends:
. T he Way I S €é [ t ‘ activated my machine and left idiotic babble on the tape.’
. oe This is an example of what technology can do — reduce
"educated pedple to a level. where’they'll watch an audio
~’ tape spin. We should all go back to living in caves.
—.° The novelty soon wore off, however, and I was ready
-. to get at the meat of messaging. That proved to be less:
ot. exciting than I'd hoped. Many of the messages were from |
"> family, "Hello? I know you’ re there, Pick. up the phone,
‘Come on, pick it up. It’s me."" - *
“Some were from callers’ who, like me, instinctively
ae hated answering machines, and. merely left: a "click" on’
ae my tape. Only a small - -percentage of ‘thessages. were
oes ‘actually intelligent, recorded to pass: on information or '
” ask for a call back. Those purposeful messages mark the ©
beginning of the sport in all this. :
Those who leave messages. on answering machines:
an - “are generally machine owners themselves. Nobody else
by Stephanie Wiebe rN, bothers, except in dire ‘circumstances or for laughs. ,
CE a - — Machine owners know how: they hate to. hear the "click" |
of a non-message on their own’ tapes — somehow it’s -
more frustrating to hear the call you missed than it is to.
‘just plain miss it altogether. -
_\-, Being a responsible machine owner, 1 return the calls tallied on my. machine’ 8 tape. Chances
an -are, I'll connect with the machine of whoever called my machine in the first place, machine owners
ey tending to be folks who are not around much, This is called "message volleying", by the way. You
_ | ean see the pattern here, and probably guess what happens next. That's right, my machine-
ca ‘intercepts the message resulting from my response to.the original message, and .. . well, now the
“.: games have begun. :
“*  Tt’s an exhilarating sport, this over-the-wire relay. The champions’ a aim to conduct their
business and social lives entirely on tape-recorded messages, without ever er actually having to reach
out and touch anyone.
_ The sport becomes more complicated when you add’ "Yoice mail’ “fox machines and those
business computers programmed to dial customers with recorded i messages: | think they actually:
"> ereate a telephone triathalon of sorts. Some less-than-scrupulous athletes are working on a method
ite which has the machines simply phoning each other, holding taped conversations of their own, and
‘leaving the rest of us out of it. This is the anewering-machine-version of steroids, But I’m a purist
— simple message volleying is enough. - we vo.
The sport of the 90s — try it it. But don’t call me, Til call you.

> Terrace Review — May 16, 1992