PAGE 8, Monday, June 19, 1978, THE HERALD

P.E.T. teaches parenting how-to

By PETER
MICHAELSON

The Canadian Press

T have learned that parent-
hood is perhaps the most
important responsibility in
the world and that our
society poorly prepares us
for it.

My discovery began after I
had been trying un-
successfully to teach some
obedience (0 a 7am-
bunctlows, mischief-prone
kid who made Dennis the
Menace seem a model of
decorum.

I used to be stern, even au-
thoritative, with my five-
yearold adopted son, Yan-

, and would sometimes
spank the little guy when he
really acted up. I felt this
was the only way to improve
his behavior.

But it wasn't working at
all. He was becoming fearful
of me. Ashe told his mother,

boldness one time, with a
cavalier indifference
another time.

GETTING NOWHERE

We were getting nowhere.
At this rate, I could see that
10 years down the road we
might well be locking horns
at every turd and that we
might be heading for one of
those terrible, acrimondus
father-son relationships that
tear families apart.

In desperation, I signed up
for a course in Parent Effec-
tiveness Traincng, or P.E.T.
[almost bolted from the first
seminar when the instructor
said we would learn to stop
using power and authority
over children. I couldn't
imagine succeeding without.

Taking the course was a
humbling experience. For
one thing, I discovered that
my skills as a journalist, or
professional communicator,
had not prepared me for

being a parent can be mostly

fun because your level of:

tolerance rises when you
understand children better.
TAUGHT TO LISTEN
Silvio Orlando un-
derstands this well. He is the
director of the Shawbridge
treatment centre for
delinquent boys and giris,
north of Montreal,nand was
the first P.E.T, instructor in
Montreal when he returned
from taking an instructors’
course in Kentucky in 1974.
Orlando said in an in-

-terview that the techniques

of P.E.T. have helped him
and his staff in their work
with the 300 boys and girls at
the treatment centre, These
methods were devised and
tested in the 180s by an
American clinical psy-
chologist, Thomas Gordon,
and have beennincorporated
into all types of parental
courses now available in

moralizing, sympathizing
and so on when a child is
having a problem.

The theory is that these at-
tempts, however well in-
tentioned, impede the flow of
communication from a
troubled child. Active
listening, by contrast,
consists of cues, words and
expressions that encourage a
child to spill out his feelings.

Experts say the expression
of these feelings alone will
make a child feel better, just
ag an adult feels better when
he ventilates his feeling
rather than holding thm
onnm n

On toh on at. though, once
a child gets his feelings into
the open and recognizes
them, it becomes easier for
him to devise his own
solutions.

There are other skills in-
corporated in courses such

as P.E.T. designed to help .

HARDWARE STORES

— a a af

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the spankings had fanvinced communicating through North American cities. parents understand what is mo
im I didn’t love im. feelings, especially wi 2 emostimpressive happening in the minds of
Our relationship suffered. children. skills taught by P.E.T. and their children. One of these Monday, June 19 5 p.m. to midnight
At times when I came upon [learned that good parents similar types of courses is skills is called “I messages," P te
him, 1 glared suspiciously, have well-honed skills for ‘‘active listening.’’ This with which a parent uses
wondering what havoc he keeping the lines of com- discourages parents from non-critical words and tone .
had been wreaking. He munication open with their jumping in with advice, of voice to deal with a child's King | CFYK BCTV KCTS
might counter with an icy children. And I learned that - solutions, questions, praise, unacceptable behavior. wy | (NBC) 3 (cee) (cTV) 9 (PBS)
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